The Dream... The Change After 7 Years

I had a dream about cutting my hair. I know, sounds hippie. The next morning I shared my dream with the kids and Isaiah (8) started crying. They have only known me with dreadies... I had them for seven years. It was a big deal especially for Isaiah because he and Malik have them, too. I told him not to worry, that it was just a dream and I hadn't made any decisions.

A week after that, I was headed to Boulder after dropping the three older kids off at school and Malik (4) asked if we could go to Ned instead. So, I turned around and went up the hill to Nederland instead of down to Boulder.

The two babies and I were messing around, window shopping in Ned and came across a barber shop. We were just wasting time, waiting for the other three to get out of school. I peeked in the window of the shop and it was old school. It was very funky and cool. The boys and I started walking away and the barber stuck his head out of the door and asked if we wanted to come in and look around...so we did. The man had art work in the back of the shop that was just beautiful. He wasn't the artist, it was one of his friends. We just started chatting. I still wasn't thinking about getting my hair cut.

Then this big, shaggy mountain man came in and asked if Jaymei would clean him up and send him out into the real world... so I watched as he did. It was an amazing transformation! I suddenly felt like it was the right timing and the right man to cut my dreadies. I called Isaiah at school and told him where I was and who I had met. I asked him if he thought it would be okay if I cut my hair. He said, "Go for it, Mom!"



I LOVED the feeling of the brush against my scalp and getting my head massaged with shampoo...yes, fingers through my hair for the first time in seven years was more than nice! It was just incredible! My head felt so much lighter and maybe I was feeling a little rebellious and sassy after it was over. It was such an amazing, beautiful, lovely, freeing and just overall phenomenal experience to get my dreadies cut.

Police, Firemen, and Flashing Lights At My Apartment...

I was at work about a week before Thanksgiving, when I got a call from Tiana (12).  I had just clocked out for lunch.  She sounded a bit unsettled as she told me Malik was bleeding all over the place.  I was calm because Malik is all boy.  This would not be the last time Malik was bleeding or hurting.  Out of all of my children, Malik (4) is one who will push the limits and test his boundaries often.  ;) 

Tiana continued to tell me he was bleeding all over the bathroom.  He had a bloody nose from accidently head butting his two-year-old brother. 

I tried to comfort her and have do some deep breathing.  I advised her I would find someone to come check on them.  I found a friend that was willing to take my car and go check on the kids.  My home is about 25 minutes from my work.

I clocked back in from lunch and called Tiana to let her know I had found someone to come check on them.  She said not to worry because she went upstairs to get the neighbors (which I had advised them to do in an emergency) and they came down and decided to call the paramedics. 

Paramedics!  Now, I was the one doing the deep breathing.  I called my friend to bring my car back so I could go to my apartment to meet the paramedics and check on the kiddos. 

Tiana had told me on my ride out that Malik was fine, it was just a bloody nose and they got it to stop.

My friend drove as I sat in the passenger seat going over different scenarios.  What could I do?  My apartment had no furniture, we were sleeping on the floor.  We had clothes around the perimeters of the bedrooms because we had no dressers or hangers.  I did have food in the fridge and pantry and the kids were warm and clothed.  I was at work, while my five were home alone.  I wondered what type of trouble I would be in? 

As I sit in my car, heading to my apartment, I finally just gave it up to the Universe and higher powers.  I have been doing all I can do.  Everything has been a process and continues to be.  The daycare situation was my next focus.  I just haven't completed that process.... I am in the middle of it.

So, whatever was going to happen, I surrendered.  I can handle whatever is next.

I got to the apartment and ran up to have four firemen and one police officer greet me at the top of my stairs.  They were very kind and told me Malik was fine, there was no need to run.  I knew that but needed to touch base with my crew.  I politely asked if I could run into the apartment and check on my kiddos.  They allowed me to do that.

I went inside to touch base with each of them... hugs, smiles, love, sweetness and I felt a sense of calm in the aparment.  Not sure if being together caused that feeling or if it was present between my kiddos before I showed up.  Either way, it felt really good to be together. 

The firemen and police officer followed me into the apartment and requested that I step outside with them for a minute. 

Uh-oh... deep breath.  Okay, I am ready...

I went out front and the firemen went on about how amazing my kiddos were.  They were very impressed by their actions and how calm they were.  They went on to say they noticed we didn't have any furniture in the apartment.  I nodded.  I just haven't been able to get any furniture, don't have a truck to move it, nor would I have the man power to bring it up to my apartment.  I didn't tell them that, that is what I was thinking.  They said that one of the firemen had an extra queen bed, another had a dresser, another had a twin bed, and on and on.  They asked if I would allow them to bring furniture to my apartment.  !!?? 

What?  You want to furnish my apartment?  Wow!  It took me a minute, but I gratefully accepted and teared up.  I couldn't believe it... these sweet people were going to bring us beds!  They were supporting me and helping the family. 

The police officer was next and agreed that the children were just incredible.  He said it must be hard being a single mom of five.  He gave me some resources and said his department was right around the corner if we needed anything. 

After our run in with the Sheriff's office in Fairplay, this was SO incredible!  The kiddos now have a different perspective on law enforcement.  What a beautiful thing. 

The Saturday prior to Thanksgiving, eight firemen came to the apartment and loaded it with furniture... beds, recliners, an entertainment center, etc.  The next day, Mike, the fireman that started this came by with his wife.  They brought new dish towels, new washclothes, a new, beautiful vacuum, brand new bedding and pillows for each bed, $100 in cash and $100 in a King Soopers gift card. 

We are blessed.  I am so grateful.  I'm not sure "grateful" even begins to describe the appreciation I'm feeling.  Just having beds, towels, a vacuum, etc. helps our day-to-day family life.  Somehow life is easier.  It helps me be a better mom and helps the kids get through their days and nights.  We are all sleeping better in beds, enjoying the recliners, loving the kitchen towels and cleaning supplies.  The apartment just feels homey.

I have been praying for some type of help.  Just needed that boost... who knew it would come in this package.  The bloody nose that brought assistance... ;)

Goals... A Job, Check... An Apt., Check...

I have a full time job that I love, an apartment that I am grateful for, and such a beautiful crew. 

I always have an abundance of energy.  I can function, with clarity, on little sleep.  Although, my new schedule is testing me.  ;)  I work from 2-11pm about 5 days a week.  I get home at about 11:30 and end up cleaning the apartment and taking the dogs out.  I usually get to bed around 12:30 or 1 in the morning only to wake up at 6 and get the kiddos fed, dressed, and ready for school.  We pack lunches and try to clean up before we leave.  Their school is a good 45 min to an hour away from our apartment. 

I know I could take them to the nearest public school, but that doesn't feel good to me.  We have a community at their school in the mountains.  The kids have learned to knit, to garden , to play violin, and have freedom to make choices.  I am grateful they are, and have been, at this school we love and cherish. 

Right now I have to pick them up early so I can make it to work on time.  The older ones watch my younger ones while I am working.  Not ideal, but needed for now.  They are bummed about it and want me to get situated so they can stay all week, for full school days.  I am working on getting daycare set up... that is my next goal. 

Life is getting settled and I am grateful for the stability.... a little tired, but I got this.  I know we are a strong enough family unit to attain that next goal... and the next, and the next.  ;) 

A Beautiful Stranger

My day started off slow and unproductive, but tonight was incredible.

I am so in love!  I'm so in love with my job!  I get to nourish and feed people with organic produce and herbal, natural supplements.  I am in my zone and enjoying my passions in life.  I am loving my coworkers and customers.  I have already met SO many beautiful souls.

I was doing my thing tonight with a genuine smile and love for everyone that was coming to the juice bar.  There were some super amazing people coming through my line.  I had conversations ranging from someone who had a passion for knowledge in general, to people skills, the purpose of life, life dreams and goals, family, illnesses, and the list goes on.

There was one gentleman in his late 50's or early 60's I would guess.  He was in with his daughters and/or granddaughters?  They were wanting some Gelato (ice cream).  I was giving them generous samples and really enjoying their presence.  I hooked them up with big, beautiful bowls of their favorite flavors.  The gentleman was telling me he wanted me to ring him up.  I explained that I hadn't been trained on the register and couldn't do that.  I pointed him over to a register and told him the cashier would take care of him.  He proceeded to tell me he wanted me to do it and I needed to walk over to the register with him.  So, I walked over with him to make him comfortable.  He owed the cashier $10 for the ice cream he purchased.  I told him thank you and headed back to the juice bar.  He followed me back to the juice bar and held his hand out in a fist.  He said he had something for me.  I advised him that we don't accept tips at this store but that the thought was enough... I was grateful he even wanted to tip me.  He insisted and said he was from Wyoming, so that didn't pertain to him and that I needed to hold out my hand.  I did.  The man tipped me $40!  I couldn't believe it!  He said I had the most positive attitude and was so helpful to his family...  he wanted me to have that.  He walked away swiftly and I stood there in awe.  Wow, this man just tipped me $40 and there were no strings attached.  He wasn't hitting on me and had no other intentions.  Wow.... so grateful and surprised.

I continued working and couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened.  I was cleaning and decided to take the trash to the bin outside of the store in the front of the building.  As I was headed that way, I ran into him and his family again.  I expressed how amazed, appreciative and grateful I was.  I told him he made my night.  He said he was really glad to hear that.  I also informed him that I was a single mama of six and that $40 was really going to be used for the family.  When he heard that, his face lit up and he said he was REALLY glad he did that and thanked me for telling him.

It was a mutual appreciation for the other.  We both walked away smiling and feeling grateful.  What a beautiful stranger.

I Surrender, And Then...

So, I didn't want to move next to the drunk initially.  Then, I surrendered... I geared myself up to living next door to him. I just didn't see any other option, so I was going to take the one I had.  It was on and I was ready.

My sister, father and friends did not approve and were not going to allow that to happen... thank goodness! I so love the earth angels in my life.  My sister talked me into going to breakfast with her instead of signing a lease for that place.  She for sure didn't want me to move there.  One of my girlfriends decided to look on line for me and send me every listing she could find in my price range.  My dad?  Well, he was silent about it, but I could just feel his disapproving vibe driving right into my core.  ;)

I went through the listings from my girlfriend and found an apartment even closer to my work, in a lovely neighborhood, that I can afford, 3 bedrooms, two baths, bigger space, with all the extras... a park on site, a work out facility that is open 24 hours a day, two pools, basketball hoops, and on and on.  

I have applied and will find out in the next couple of days if my application has been approved!  I'm thinking it will... there is nothing I can think of that won't pass their criteria.

Tonight was my first night at work and I am so in my zone!  I love my job and the people there.  It's going to be a phenomenal place for me.  I have found my place in the world for now.  I am super grateful and excited.

Things are starting to fall into place and I am overflowing with gratitude.

Independence, stability and clarity are feeling attainable.

Thought About It

Alright, I'm taking the row house option with the drunk next door.  I am strong enough to make this work.  I've got it and not concerned.  I spoke with the landlord today, she's sweet and the home is decent and affordable.  I can compromise.... it's not my big, beautiful mountain home, but it's going to be home for now.

The drunk?  Well, he can be loud at night because we get up early and the kids can sleep through just about anything.  ;)

No, honestly, I will send him love quietly and keep my boundaries with me and the kids.  I can do all of that while being firm and clear.

I went into work today and filled out paperwork.  I just love that place and this is going to be super healthy for me.  I am hoping and praying I can get the kids situated, comfortable and safe while I am working.

I have my schedule and have been given 40 hours this coming week.  This is going to be an adjustment for the family.  We can handle it... the kids are amazing and so great at adjusting to new situations, challenges and changes.  We are a strong unit.

One day I am feeling strong and confident... the next, I am just so drained and feeling lost.  That's alright though...  the "feeling lost" doesn't last.

Breathing, Praying and Believing

I am exhausted.... but strong.  

I am sleepy... yet, there are a few more things to do before bed.  

I am craving stability... being patient, because I know it's coming.  

I could really use a hot bath, a time out, a massage, some gym time, some me time.... I'll make it happen.  

The baby needs some mama time... I know. 

Malik needs some help with his speech... I didn't forget.

Isaiah is a lover and quick to get angry with his brother... I'm working with him.

Jayden is my empath.  She's always taking on other people's energy... I'm aware.

Tiana is a beautiful girl growing into that amazing woman she is destined to be... I've got this.

Shaylee, my college star, is worrying about her family.  I'm trying to comfort and reassure her... but, with what words and what reassurance?  

I'm always positive, upbeat, optimistic... always.  

I almost feel bad that now there are times I'm just drained and finding it hard to see the beautiful things that I know are headed our way.  

I always remind myself at the end of the day.... no matter what challenges I am facing and what comes my way, it is better than staying in a marriage with an alcoholic.

It's better for me, for these babies and my ex.  Everyone is healthier.  

Then I remember how blessed we truly are... and how grateful I truly am.

We have two days left at my sisters home.  I have diligently searched for a place for this beautiful crew to spread out and call home.  The locations and places I have seen aren't suitable for us.  In my price range I've seen a range of issues from mold, to outdated furnaces and broken water heaters and on and on.  There are two bedrooms, but the owners aren't comfortable with my size family residing there... can't blame them, really.  Section 8 is just closed... yea, closed.  All of the affordable housing, transitional housing and shelters are full.  I can get on a wait list for a year or two.  There are a couple of places I may be able to get into... but only to loose them in the next six months because I won't be able to afford the rent and bills.  

After all of my hunting and viewing, my dad and brother are set on me purchasing an RV to live in.  That is cool... the RV would be mine.  But, that doesn't feel so stable.  I'm not up to leaving the kids in a RV while I am at work.  Then there is parking and moving the RV.  The toilet situation with my crew?  Dumping that daily!  Not thinking that is what I am searching for. 

Found a two bedroom, one bath that will accept my crew.  One of my neighbor's is a loud drunk.  I left that three years ago and really don't want my family living next to it.  I don't really want him hitting on me either.   The neighborhood?  Yea, not-so-sure.... who knows.  Maybe it will do us for a small period of time?  Guess stability is taking a detour and will arrive another day.  

Breathing, praying and believing....  

 

Alright! The Time Is Now...

I have been staying with my sister during this transition and have to be out by Friday.... four days from now!  Not too worried, something is going to work out.  Our perfect home will find us!

I am heading out today to drive around the area we wish to live.  I've done all the calling, craigslist, and other home finder options.  Now, I'm doing what I do best... putting it out there and going to run into it.  ;)

I got a job!  I'm working in an environment that is going to be amazing!  It is my "cup of tea."  ;)  I will be working in a natural food store that is beyond incredible.  They stand for everything I believe in... supporting local farmers and businesses, family owned, not going corporate, they are putting their all into this one location and do not plan on opening any new stores, community service, recycling, re-using, loving, giving, smiling and spreading peace and happiness.  It is really just a beautiful store, too.  It's set up with an organic sushi bar, natural and organic bakery with the most amazing chocolate, an organic coffee bar with more options than any other coffee shop I've seen, and on and on.

I've been able to get the girls to school at their old school almost every day.  There have been a couple of times I just didn't have the gas money.  But, for the most part, they get to go.  They aren't enrolled in the school just yet.  The school has just been amazing at welcoming us back and are happy to have them whenever I can get them there.  It's so nice to have a supportive community.  As a single mama, I am blessed with that.  As soon as we are settled in a place, I will enroll them.  Just want to make sure we are actually staying in the area.

I have a job, the girls have their school.... but all of this depends on us having a home in the area.  I'm sure it will work out.  I am feeling pretty grounded with it all and not too stressed.

Also met someone special...  it's super fresh and our connection feels strong.    

Just staying open to seeing what happens with all of these blessings and challenges in my life.  Whatever is to come, I've got this and am grateful for it all.

What's Next?

We're staying at my sister's for a short amount of time.  She has another family moving into this house soon.  It's nice to have a spot for a little while.  I am grateful.

I have options... my mom has welcomed me back to Kansas to stay.  I am not so fond of Kansas and I believe my mom and I have a better relationship when we have some distance between us.  She would be helpful with these babies, but not so sure it would be healthy for them... or me.

My dad has offered to give me part of my inheritance now.  I'm not sure how I feel about even talking out loud about his passing.  I have tried to stay open which allows him to talk about it and feel comfortable with it, but he's my daddy and I will miss him so much.  He wants me to buy something... like a mobile home.  Or put a down payment on a lease with option in Colorado.  My dad feels I really need some stability - and he's right!  I would love that right about now.  He really thinks it would be detrimental if I was to go to Kansas.  I value his opinion, but really wish I didn't need help to get settled.  My dad has been an apartment manager most of his life and has just been really good about saving.  Now he's retired and he doesn't think he will live much longer.  He told me yesterday that my grandfather at the age of 86 is in better health than he is at the age of 63.  I told him I would look into buying, but really hope to find another way.  I don't want to use that money.  I'd love for him to hold onto it for now.  He may need it someday.

We'll see what is to come.  I was able to take my girls to their old school for a visit today.  They loved it! They are staying with a friend and will attend school again tomorrow.  They are hoping I find a home in the area of their old school.  Their teachers are SO excited and really wanting them back and are looking for housing for us, too.  That whole community has already welcomed us back.  I love all of them.  Such sweet, caring and loving people.

It always works out.  Sometimes I forget when I am in the middle of it and can't seem to pull myself to the outside of it and look in.

We're more than okay and life is good.

Still have a suspended license and have to get an SR22 before I can reinstate my license... but I really feel like there is a way to contest it.  I just haven't found the path yet.  That too will work out... I believe it will.

Tickets Dismissed

The two insurance tickets I received from that sheriff have been dismissed.  I went to court early on a "Walk-In Wednesday."  The DA heard my case and as soon as I told him the story, he immediately dismissed both tickets.

The only other problem was this piece of paper I didn't sign.  The one that said I could have had a permit for seven days, go buy insurance and then my license was suspended for four months and I would need a SR22 (something you are supposed to carry if you are at high risk for insurance).  That piece of paper was sent directly to the State and DMV.  In other words, it was something I couldn't fight in court.  The DA told me to go to the DMV and ask them.

I called the DMV.  There is always a good hold time when calling the DMV.  I waited on hold for about 25 minutes the first time, only to get a lady who was having a bad day.  She pretty much told me there was nothing I could do but get a SR22 and then she transferred me quickly to another department that couldn't help me.  The second lady I spoke with after calling back was very sweet and patient.  She advised me to go back to the sheriff and ask him to withdraw or send in follow up paperwork to cancel the initial 7 day permit paper he had sent in.  So, that's what I did.

I went into Sheriff Brown and told him my two tickets had been dismissed.  I told him I was out of money from getting my car out of the pound, already paying for and reinstating my license the first time, and buying insurance.  I also asked him if he really thought I was high risk.  If you look at my DMV record, there is nothing on there indicating I am high risk for insurance.  I have no insurance tickets, no DUI's, nothing indicating I should have to carry a SR22.  He responded with he didn't know and he would check into seeing what he could do.  He said he had never heard of or participated in a process canceling paperwork that he had already sent into the State.

In the end, I was out of money, couldn't get to and from work, had already pulled my girls from school, my boys were missing school (because I couldn't drive), not able to get to the grocery store, and just feeling like maybe Fairplay wasn't the place for us.

Then I came home from driving illegally to the foodbank and found a notice on my door stating the attorney and sheriff were planning a lock out on the house.  That was my final indication that this was just not going to work out in Fairplay, Colorado.

Packed up the house and loaded a U-Haul in one day.  Just grabbed everything that would fit in a 14 foot truck and left everything else at the house.  My kids were visiting their dad that weekend  My oldest daughter from college and my sister came up to help me load the truck.

I am staying with my sister for now.  It's only been about four days.  I put all of our belongings in storage in Aurora by my dad's house.

And somewhere during all this my youngest son, Keenan (2), decided to do an experiment including my HTC Inspire 4G phone, water, salt and toothpaste.  :)  What can ya do?  The boy is curious and creative and I can't squash that.  The bummer is that my phone was my camera and my computer too.

Oh well... I had a break down with tears in front of the officer.  After that, nothing has surprised or upset me much.  Whatever comes my way will pass.  I can hang and am strong enough to deal.  My kids are amazing and happy to be out of Fairplay.

I am ready for some stability, clarity and peace.  So, Universe.... bring it soon, please.  ;)

Why Is It Called "Fair" Play?

Fairplay is beautiful country for sure.  It's beautiful and I saw my first moose there!  I loved my girlfriend's home.  I would take the kids up to visit often in the last couple of years.  It was my sanctuary... my place to breathe.

I'm a dreamer.  I always have been.  I am always optimistic and not such a great planner.  I just believe it will work out somehow and go with it.  Deep down, I felt as if I would end up in my girl's house.

I did end up living in her home, but it was very short lived.  I am still very grateful!  I spent every night there being grateful for every part of it.  I loved the big, jacuzzi tub in the master suite.  It was shaped like a heart and located right in the bedroom.  I had double sinks, a separate toilet area, and a walk in, 7-headed shower with a bench!  The whole house was tiled with slate.  The wood work was amazing!  There were three bedrooms and three baths... all of which were jacuzzi tubs.  Big windows, beautiful lot full of Aspens... just perfect.

She was letting her home go into foreclosure.  There are enough foreclosures and empty homes and I needed to move out of the trailer I was staying in, so I moved into my dream home as soon as my girlfriend moved out.

The trailer I had been staying in had an electric bill averaging $150 a month in the summer time!  I didn't have AC, didn't have a swamp cooler (didn't need it in the mountains), no washer or dryer...  why was bill SO high?  I found out later that the tenant before me had sued the landlord for having an electric water heater leak and not taking care of it, causing her really high utility bills.  The same problem still existed.  And my plants leaves were turning black!  I've never seen that before.  Looking back, my kiddos were sick for a few weeks... it was definitely mold.

After we moved into my girlfriend's home, I decided to find a good middle school for my girl.  I had already decided on and enrolled my boys into an amazing Montessori school in the area.  The kids and I investigated, visited and researched the three different options around the area.  We chose one that was in Buena Vista... about a 45 minute drive from our home in Fairplay.  It's SO important to me that my kids be somewhere we are all comfortable with.  I was willing to drive about 20 minutes to the bus stop where Tiana would get on a bus and go another 25 minutes to school.  We loved that school so much, we checked out the Elementary school and decided that would fit Jayden's needs.  So, both the girls would get on the same bus and go to school in BV.

I had a plan... all the kids in schools that would help them excel and grow as beautiful beings, then I was to get a full time job.  All while I was living in a foreclosed property... that was the uncertainty in the big picture.  But affordable and ours while we were there.   I had already been balancing a part time job at a cute cafe/bakery in the town of Fairplay.

Then, after hearing all of the horrible cop/sheriff stories... it happened.

I got a call from my cousin at around 6am.  Andrew said he was coming through Fairplay on his way to BV and wanted to stop and see us.  I told him we were on our way out the door and headed to the bus stop which was right on his way to BV.  We decided to meet up at the bus stop.

He is 19 (about the same age as my oldest daughter) and had two buddies with him around the same age.  They are all white with tattoos everywhere.

I pulled right between two families who were also waiting for the bus.  Andrew came running up to the car and we had a small reunion at the bus stop.  The kids were really excited to see him... especially my boys.  They love to play with Andrew because he wrestles with them and gives them gifts like boxing gloves.   It's all about the manly energy with these boys.

My two girls got on the bus and Andrew decided he had some time and wanted to see my new place.  So Andrew hopped in my car and his two buddies followed us as we headed to my house.

Right down from the pass, there was a sheriff parked on the side of the road.  I look up and the two boys behind me were getting pulled over.  Andrew and I and my three boys pulled ahead a ways, pulled over and waited.  When it seemed like forever and they didn't come, we went back to make sure they were alright.

The sheriff was still behind them with his lights on until I passed him.  He then turned his lights off, turned around, got behind me, turned on his lights and pulled me over.  By this time, I had a gut feeling he had profiled us.  It was my hair, their tattoos, and later I realized it may have been all of the above AND my beautiful darker skinned babies.  Someone else had to point that out because my being doesn't even think like that.

Sheriff Brown came to my window and asked for my DL and registration... I said no.  I was kind of angry and unhappy that he had pulled me over.  I wasn't speeding, I didn't violate any laws... why was this man pulling me over.

I said, "No... tell me why you pulled me over."  The sheriff started to tell me that the Wild Life Officer (who I had seen before at the bus stop) that was dropping off his son, called in and said there was suspicious activity at the bus stop.  I asked him again, "So, why did you pull ME over?"  The sheriff then said for a traffic violation.  I asked then if that was a general statement so he would have time to think of a real reason.  Again, I asked why he pulled me over.  He then said it was because I had a kid in the back... meaning Isaiah in the trunk space.  I answered with, "There are three (kids) in here... two in car seats and one in the back in his seat belt.  There are seats back there."  He acted surprised, but not really.

The sheriff had finally come up with probable cause... he was checking to make sure my kids were in car seats that needed to be.  He didn't find anything to charge Andrew's buddies with and I found out later he had told them (as I was driving by to check on them) that he was going to pull me over next to find out what was "really" going on.

I finally gave in and gave him my DL, registration and expired insurance card.

Come to find out, my DL had been cancelled and denied due to an unpaid ticket (for expired tags) from last year.  On top of that, my insurance card was expired.  The sheriff proceeded to give me a piece of paper that stated my license was cancelled and it wasn't lawful to drive, but it wasn't a ticket.  The second piece of paper was a ticket that said if I showed insurance on the court date next month, that ticket would be dropped.

So, I couldn't drive and my cousin didn't have a DL.  We had to walk.  My cousin hopped in the car with his buddies and I told him to head onto BV.  My three sons and I started walking the opposite direction toward Fairplay.

There I was in my PJ's and my youngest, Keenan, didn't have his shoes on.

It didn't take long before a really nice Bishop from an Orthodox church in the canyon pulled over and picked us up.  I asked him to take me to the sheriff's office.  I was going to submit a complaint... that's what I did.

After submitting the complaint stating I felt as if the officer had profiled us, I was on foot trying to figure out my next step.  My priority was to get my license back... so I headed toward Frisco to the closest DMV.  Frisco was a good 45 minute DRIVE from Fairplay.  I was on foot, but knew it would work out.

A local man saw us and recognized us.  He picked us up and drove us over the pass, to my girlfriends house to pick up some cash, and onto Frisco to get my license reinstated.  He then took me back over the pass and to my car just in time to pick up my girls.  My insurance?  Well, in my mind I was thinking I had until the court date to update and show proof of insurance and I was out of cash.  I was planning on taking it out of my next child support payment.

The day before he pulled me over for the second time, Tiana had surgery and I had just started my cycle.  I was up all day and night taking her to and from the hospital and then feeding and caring for the rest of my crew.  I was tired, emotional, and just beat.

That morning, I was taking Jayden to the school bus.  Tiana was home recovering.  Her stitches had come out the night before and she was really not feeling well.

After Jayden got on the bus, I headed home.  Down the hill from the bus stop, the sheriff was waiting for me again.  He got behind me and pulled me over.  As he walked up to the car, I asked if he would be doing this regularly.  I asked if maybe we would eventually be friends... he said no we wouldn't.  I also asked if this was because I had dread locks?  Why was he focused on me?   He said this time he had to make sure I got my license reinstated and had updated my insurance.  I handed him my new paper license (they were mailing my real license to my PO Box).  I told him I still had the expired insurance card and I thought I had until the court date to show that.

The sheriff took my paper license and said he was happy to see I had reinstated that.... now he was going to suspend it again - this time, for four months!  He went back to his SUV with my paper license.  When he came back he had two pieces of paper for me to sign.  One was a ticket for insurance.  I signed it.  The second was this piece of paper that said I would have a seven day permit.  He said I could drive my car and go get insurance that day, then I was going to need a SR22 and my license would be suspended thereafter for four months!  I kept repeating that back to him and by this time, I was in tears.  I just didn't understand why I would sign this paper, go pay more money that I didn't have for insurance, all to have my license suspended again for four months?  I was tired, exhausted and just done.  Trying to do the single mama thing, moving, checking out schools,  signing all of the papers to get my babies in schools, dentist appointments, doctor's appointments, working.... I was just done.

I asked him how I was going to get my kids to school, to the grocery store, to the appointments I had coming up for the dentist and doctors... how was this going to work?  He said I would need to have someone drive my kids to and from the bus stop for me.  I replied, "Mark..."

He said, "My name is Mike."

I said, "Okay, Mike... you don't get it.  I have nobody up here.  There is nobody that is going to take my kids to and from school.  I will have to withdraw them.  I have one girlfriend in Breckenridge... that's it.  I am a single mama of five."  All of this while tears were streaming.

I felt like at that moment, he had a change in demeanor.  Compassion... he was feeling compassion.  Something changed, but it was too late.  He had already sent in the call and filled out the papers.  That is how it felt to me.

The sheriff ended up towing my car because I wouldn't sign this piece of paper.  I ended up walking again on the highway to nowhere.  I had grabbed my boy's skateboards and helmets because I was sure I wasn't going to see my car again.  I was out of money and energy.  I called my only girlfriend who was about 45-1 hour away to come pick me up.  It was good I had that time on the side of the highway, because I needed a good cry.  I needed time to walk it out.

I take full responsibility for the lack of insurance.  I do believe the sheriff had a wide range of options to choose from when deciding what to do with me.  I feel like he chose the harshest of them.  I also believe that profiling was the initial reason for the first stop... that is against the law.

Not so "Fair."  Maybe they should rename the town. ;)

Fairplay, Colorado...

I have moved us three times in the last five months.

My last roommate was ready for us to leave about a month prior to my girls finishing their school year.  Linda was very sweet and honest about it and we have no hard feelings between us.  She had just had her fill of our big family in her space.  This was in April (2011).  

I had to figure out how to keep my girls in their beloved school for the next four weeks.  I moved our belongings into my dad's garage and stayed with my dad for a short time.  He lives about an hour away from their school.  We stayed in his tiny two bedroom townhouse, my dogs in his garage and us all in one room for about a week.  I love my dad and he is amazing, but my size family in his space is hard on everyone.  And I was really trying to hold it together, but finding myself super stressed.  I wanted a space we could spread out, with no roommates, so the kids could just do their kid thing without me in the background saying, "Don't touch the walls, stay in the kitchen with that so it doesn't spill, careful...."  Right when I was about to burst, my girlfriend calls and says she is on vacation and I can go up to her beautiful mountain house (my sanctuary) and stay there for the next three weeks to a month!  Yay!  The only concern was my girls.  This house was three hours from my girls' school.  Not sure how that was going to work out, but we were going.

I went to the girls' school to update them on our situation and both of their teachers (who happen to be husband and wife) simultaneously said, "Well, I guess they are coming to stay with us until school is out."  ;)  What a great little community!  Those teachers and I had been so close and such good friends, I was instantly okay with that.  When the girls found out, they were ECSTATIC!  They loved their teachers and knew it was going to be a blast.  They were happy to be able to finish up their school year, too.

The girls would stay with their teachers during the week and I would get them on the weekends.  What a trip... it was like I had visitation.  We had never been apart that long.  It worked out well, though.  The girls ended up leaving there with some great memories and got to finish the school year with all of their friends.

On the last day of house sitting for my girlfriend, I knew I wasn't going back to my dad's to stay.  That just couldn't happen.  So, I ended up looking around in the town my girlfriend lived to see if I could find a place I could afford that would take all of us.  I wanted a place with no one above or below us, no roommates, so the kids could finally just live.  A place where we could be a family and spread out.

I found one on my way out of town!  It was a trailer home, but it was affordable and decent.  No close neighbors and it felt great to be able to have our own space!  Yay!

Now I had to tell the girls we had moved out of the area of their favorite school into a town I wasn't really familiar with.  That wasn't going to be easy.  But we had our own home!

Yeah, they were not happy.  They were going to miss their teachers and friends and didn't want to live in this new town so far from everything.  Tiana was pretty upset with me.

That's part of doing my mama thing, though.  We really just needed a place that was ours and Fairplay, Colorado happen to be where we landed.

Little did I know about this town that we now lived in.  Wow...







 

Still doing my thing...

Just don't know how this works daily and some days are more challenging then others, but overall I know we're always more than taken care of and all is well.  I feel loved and when I start to feel alone in the world, I can quickly remind myself I am not.

These last few months have been super challenging.  For some reason, I kept thinking that soon everything was going to smooth out.  Now, I'm not surprised when new challenges pop out of no where... one after another.  ;)  I am not surprised when we have to move again, or when my cell phone gets put into some water, toothpaste and salt because one of my sweet boys is curious and creative.

Ya know, I have tried to write three times in the last two days.  So much has happened over the last 3-6 months, I am not even sure where to start.  All I know at this point is, I love my kiddos, love life, am okay with the "set backs" and challenges, and I'm always ready for more and gotta stop being surprised by anything that comes my way.  I am also very blessed, too.  SO many earth angels in my life along this journey and I am getting the life lessons that I need so I may grow and expand.  

Maybe I should start with some lessons I have learned.... I know my budgeting needs some focus and clarity.  I know I have a tendency to withdraw from situations and people in my life very quickly.  In the future, I will work on that... when I feel like withdrawing, I will take another route.  I will think about how important the relationship is, if I really want this relationship in my life and what role it plays, and just think about the bigger picture before jumping to conclusions.  My withdraw issues are related to insecurities and not feeling protected in a relationship (friend, boyfriend, family, etc.).  I don't like being judged... but will work on not worrying too much about that.  I have learned a LOT about me through this and I have a feeling I am so far from "done."  ;)

Well, world... this warrior mama is not giving up.  I'm just not... it's not in me.  I love these babies, love life and it's on!  Bring it.  I am here to help change the world for the better, love and guide my beautiful little beings, laugh a lot, stay positive, and spread love.

For all of those that have not been able to bring themselves outside of their suffering, I send love, light, blessings... all with an equality and a genuine, sincere energy.

For me, when I am not able to bring myself out of my suffering.... I send the same.

I got this... and I'm not alone.

Mountain Lioness on The Property!

Wednesday, I heard a knock at the door (it was around 3:30 in the afternoon).... which is rare unless I'm expecting someone because I live in the mountains. 

It was the Wild Life Division.  The lady said there was a mountain lion on the property within the last day or so and she wanted to know if she could have permission to look around.  They were trying to capture her long enough to change her GPS collar.

I said sure, so they went up, behind the house and found one of the lion's kills.... it was a raccoon.  She said the mountain lion would probably return this evening to consume it. 

They set up a trap, caught the mountain lion and then came to the door and said the kids could come out and check her out!  It was about 10pm when they came to the door. 

I was actually at school and my ex was watching the kiddos at my house.  What a great experience for all of them!

Tiana (11) gave the mountain lion a shot (immunizations I'm guessing), Isaiah (7) changed the lion's GPS collar, Jayden, Malik and Keenan all got to pet her and check out her teeth and claws.

Super cool! 

This Weekend... Just Lovely!

I had nothing planned this weekend.  I kinda thought we'd be hanging at home for the weekend, taking it easy.  I have had school the last two weekends and have school coming up the next two weekends.  This was my weekend to chill with the kiddos.

Last Thursday my roommate had mentioned she was going to have a friend over on Saturday morning.  She said it in passing, like it was not a big deal. 

I wanted to get out of the house and let her have her home to herself and her guest.  I spent most of my time Thursday and Friday cleaning and organizing.  It was beautiful by Saturday.

Saturday morning came.  I woke up around 5am, did my yoga asanas, pranayams, meditation and cleansed myself with the neti pot, the tongue scraper, the dry brush and oil, then a nice hot shower about 15 minutes later.... all Ayurvedic!  What a beautiful morning this was.  Then I felt like taking the kiddos out and about.  We got up and headed to Boulder and I decided it was a good day to go to the gym!  I hadn't been there for over a month... it was long over due and very needed.

The kids were great!  Everything was just flowing ALL weekend.  I had $90 in my account.  I was saving it to get my real plates... but after calculating, I knew I'd have some child support by the time my temp expires.  So, we needed gas and food and whatever else....  we had a beautiful lunch at Chipotle, headed to the gym (played ball and got on my stair master), then grabbed the kiddos some Jamba Juice, went to the park, then to the thrift store!  I let the girls grab two shirts each, the three boys got a couple of items and Mama got a skirt, some cool pants, and some funky, cool jewelry.  It was 1/2 price day at Arc!  I spent about $45 on all of that.  Whatever... not worried that I only had about $20 left and no gas and we still had not hit the grocery store!  It'll work out, it always does.  ;)

At the last minute, I called my sister.  It was about 5pm Saturday and I wasn't too far from her house.  I asked if we could come crash so I could give my roommate some space to enjoy her guest.  Of course, I got ahold of her right before she was about to leave for the theater.  The kids and I headed over there. 

My sister and her man, his boy, and one of our girlfriends and her little girl were headed to the Dinner Cinema, where you eat and watch a movie.  They offered to take my older three and pay for them.  It was such a genuine and heartfelt offer.  So, I stayed at the house with the two younger boys and sent my older three off to enjoy a surprise treat.  They loved it!  So grateful they get to experience things like that.  It's not something I have the funds for right now, and they still end up on these outings, just having a blast! 

They all got home around 10:00pm.  The two youngest were already asleep, so I got the other three tucked in and we all fell asleep.

I got up the next morning and headed to the grocery store to grab some breakfast for the kids.  Remember, I only had $20.... I spent $13 at the store on good quality eggs, humane breakfast sausage (on sale! marked down $2), organic milk (on sale! marked down $.99), bananas, and bread... about $7 left.

The moment after I had cooked everything, I decided to go to this church I've been wanting to check out.  It's a church of all religions.  They say it's based on the Science of the Mind and that all religions have truth to them.  It was definitely along the lines of what I believe in, so I went!  The kids didn't want to go, so I left the kiddos with my sister and headed to church. 

It was super uplifting and had some amazing people there!  Everyone was so present and aware.  You sit down and go through this guided meditation for the first 15-20 minutes and then onto the sermon.  There was a live band with great music.  It was very interactive, positive and just beautiful.  I will be returning.

I left the church and drove out of the parking lot.  On my way across the street, my car started "put-puttin."  I thought that maybe it was out of gas.  Then it died right after I pulled into the gas station and right before I got it to the pump!  A couple of random, sweet strangers helped me push it the rest of the way to the pump.  Unfortunately, the gas tank was on the OTHER side of the car.... the line didn't reach.  At the moment it was unfortunate, but in the bigger picture, it was fortunate.  ;)

I went into the gas station with $7 to my name.  The clerk had been watching this all happen so she was aware I was out of gas.  I asked if she had a gas container.  She said she did and it was already full of gas.  She told me I could just have the gas.... free.  So amazing. 

I took the container to my car and started pouring it into the tank.  I got about 1/2 of it in and thought that would be enough to get my car up and running... at least enough to get it to the other pump.

Well, I took the container back into the gas station, went back to my car, and it still wouldn't turn over.  At this point I'm thinking it's the fuel filter.  They changed the fuel pump about a month ago on my car and said it needed a new fuel filter.... it was going to cost about $120 that I didn't have at that time. 

I went back into the station and made a few calls.... my dad, Elma (my girlfriend), my sister's cell, and the house to talk to my kiddos.  The kids were great... but I wasn't able to get ahold of anyone that could help.

I then decided to walk back to the church.  I went into the church cafe and up to the coffee/latte line.  I took some of my only $7 and bought myself a mocha, sat down at the table and started to read my book.  I had to take a break and let this go.  It was going to work out, I just wasn't sure how.

A gentleman I had seen earlier came over and sat next to me.  He had really been suffering emotionally these last few months and felt like sharing.  He needed someone to listen.  I would guess he was around 50-years-old.  I was certainly up for listening and trying to help in any way I could to uplift his spirits. 

He had mentioned he lost his job and his girlfriend.  He was now on unemployment and living with his 81-year-old mother and felt awful.  He was in tears off and on while he was telling his story.  He said if I was going to listen, he wanted to buy me an omelette.  So, I sat eating my omelette and listening to his stories.

I told him it really only mattered how he felt about himself.  It was okay he was on unemployment and actually quite a blessing!  I told him to go visit his daughters in Oklahoma and take his golf clubs with him, because he loved to golf!  Take advantage of this time you have off... what a blessing. 

He was worried that he was worrying his mother too much.... I said what a blessing!  It gives her a purpose and something to focus on and love.  That is what us mothers do best.  What else would she be doing if not that right now? 

I told him to write down everything he was grateful for.. good parents that are still alive and well, his health, his beautiful car, and whatever else came to mind.

We had a great, long, uplifting talk.

Then, he said he wanted to give back to me by taking care of my car.  I had told him my story before he shared his and he really wanted me to have a functioning car to drive my kiddos around in. 

I was so surprised and not sure how to answer him.  He then continued to say that I was not going to disrupt his "giving."  That giving to me by fixing my car, made him feel good and it was not acceptable for me to take that away from him.  Mmmmm.... so grateful.

What a blessing.  He drove me to my car, I called the tow truck and this is what happened next...  ;)

The tow truck guy beat on my gas tank as I kept trying to turn over the car... it started!

I asked him if indeed it was my fuel filter and he looked at me and said, "No, Dude, you're out of gas!" 

LOL! 

I moved my car to the other pump.  Then the other gentleman from the church quickly inserted his credit card and filled my tank!  I don't remember the last time I had a FULL tank of gas.  This "stranger" just put $60 in my tank.  I am SO grateful and amazed.

The funny thing is he was SO grateful to me, too.  We were both just saying thank you, thank you, thank you as we parted.  I then drove to my sister's to pick up my kiddos.

From there, we stopped by my dad's and he was so happy to see all of us and in such a great mood!

Now we're home and the kiddos had some warm, honey milk (that I bought with my last couple of dollars) and are sleeping soundly as I go over this beautiful day in my head and feel it in my heart.

I have no money...  but a full tank of gas, enough food for tomorrow, sweet, healthy kiddos, and a heart that is overflowing with gratitude.

xoxo

Found My Wallet! All Is Well...

Tiana found my wallet between her bed and behind the dresser.... hmmmm. Don't know how that happened... doesn't matter now. Have it and all is well.

I've got a busy week ahead of me! Feels so good!

Tuesday and Wednesday I'll be getting things together and set up for my Ayurveda class that starts on Friday, getting two projects/homework assignments wrapped up, yoga class on Wednesday night, coffee shop "shoppin" on Thursday... feeling productive again! Ayurveda classes Friday, Saturday and Sunday! Love the schedule... it fits in with my mama schedule. ;)

Did Hear My Favorite Song Today ;)

I was on my way to the canyon from my crazy day down below and I heard my favorite song of all time.... LL Cool J's - I Need Love :)

Love him and have always loved this song. When I was younger, I remember writing the lyrics, rewinding the song (tape deck), writing more lyrics, rewinding the song.... over and over until I memorized it.

"I Need Love"

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amour kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here
Although I often reminisce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy
I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet
It's deja vu whenever I'm with you
I could go on forever telling you what I do
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure you ain't in my closet, or under my rug
this love search is really making me bug
And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasy's can run but they can't hide
and when I find you I'm gon' pour all my love inside
I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone
Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall
I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
you're as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel
It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget
I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
this whole experience has been such a revelation
It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch
Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands
I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl
I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin' in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I'll be waiting
I love you

What A Day, Uggh...

So, last week my wallet went missing. I'm not really sure what happened to it. I've never lost my wallet before, so it's a little odd and a bummer.

After my beautiful weekend of Yoga and Ayurveda, I went to the store with my kiddos on Monday. We had a lovely, smooth shopping adventure and when we came to the registers to pay.... I couldn't find my wallet. I had my purse, but no wallet.

Poor Tiana (11) was immediately feeling like it was her fault. She said she had gotten in my purse to get gum and may have knocked my wallet out. In the chaos of being in line and having the five kiddos hangin', I was trying to understand what she was getting at. I wasn't sure if she was positive she lost it, or just felt like it was her fault when really it had nothing to do with her. In the end, it had nothing to do with her. I tried to comfort her and let her know this was not her doing.

Isaiah (7) was just concerned about the popcorn. ;) He really wanted the popcorn and was super bummed. The cashier was great and just observing all of this. In the end he put a sample sticker on the popcorn and made Isaiah's day.

'Oh well' I thought. No worries... it can't be far. It has to be somewhere close.

Well, here I am, over a week later and still haven't come upon it.

I went and got my emissions done today.... it failed, but I just need a new gas cap according to the emissions man. Okay, I can hang. I need to purchase a new cap and go back for another full test.

Then headed to the tags place to extend my temp (sounds silly, but I only had just enough money for new tags/emissions... not a gas cap, too)... can't do anything with the tags without a license. My license is in my wallet- somewhere unknown to me.

During all of this, my little man Malik (4) was having a rough day. Everything was overwhelming for him today.... from not getting what he wanted right that minute, to what it was he was craving, to his brothers words and actions. I can handle that for a bit, but during everything else and continuing all day... I am drained.

We also stopped by the grocery store only to realize I didn't have my debit, no cash on me and couldn't write a check without my license. Realized that at the checkstand, after she rang me up. :(

Malik had a melt down right there while Keenan (almost 2) was playing with the different gum packages.

I had to keep it together, apologize to the cashier, gather the boys, leave our groceries, go to the bank, unload the boys, get cash from a cashier who knows me (because again, no license), load the boys, head back to the grocery store, unload the boys, pay for the groceries, apologize again, load the boys and the groceries and head up the hill to pick up my girls from school.

What a day.

So no new tags, no new temp either. Still no license, no wallet.

'Exhale.'

All of the kiddos are sleeping now and I'm headed to the hot bath... maybe a little yoga and/or meditation afterwards.

Yay! In School...

I cannot contain myself... this is it! I'm in school... in school learning about what I love and have a passion for (Ayurveda and Yoga). Mmmmmm....

I got a call today from Dona at my Ayurvedic School (my school ;). She wanted to make sure I made it to my Wednesday night class and that I was going to continue. I did go last night and plan on continuing. Still not so sure about the financial side of things.... but it'll work out. ;)

Dona reminded me of the Ayurveda 1 class that is coming up next week. She offered me the "work study" student opportunity for that particular class.... this means I will be assisting the teacher/guru in the class with everything from cleaning to copying and registering other students in return for at least 1/2, possibly ALL of my tuition for that class being covered! Yay! Of course I accepted her offer.

This is so surreal and super exciting.... I feel blessed and grateful.

I am still working on the finances for the Yoga 200 Hr. course and would LOVE to participate in the PanchaKarma course that is coming my way... one step at a time. 'Exhale'

I had my ex stay at "my" house to watch the kiddos last weekend and last night while I was in class (yep, I was in class!). He lives in a roommate situation that is not healthy or beneficial for the kids to be in. He also doesn't have the space where he lives. I thought the kids would be more comfortable staying in their own environment.

When I came home, my ex was saying he thought my roommate didn't want him here. He felt tension when she was around and said her words seemed to have an edge to them. I was concerned so I asked her tonight what she thought of him and if she wanted to talk about him being in her space. She said everything had been fine and he was good with the kids. She's pretty straight forward, so hopefully this all smooths out. I think it will be fine... he'll hopefully have his own place soon, closer to his new job where the kids will be welcomed and comfortable.

I am just overflowing with gratefulness.... grateful to my kiddos for encouraging me and being amazing, grateful to my ex for stepping up, grateful to my roommate for sharing her space which is allowing me to live, grow and breathe- helping me to build a foundation and be on my own with my crew.... grateful to the Universe for always "havin' my back."

Next step... gotta buy the books...

Oh, Universe.... ;)

Up, Up.... Here We Go

I had the most fabulous weekend!

It all started on Friday, early evening.... around 4:30ish. My ex had decided to come by for a visit and while he was here, he took a look at my resume and offered to "fix" it. I was good with that, knowing he has the corporate background and experience with resumes. He also helped me with a cover letter... a very boring cover letter. Yet, it seems that is what all of the companies are looking for. I am grateful to him for helping me out.

As I got bored looking for "Help Wanted" ads, I decided to check out some schools for Ayurveda. I got on Google and typed it in.

I found one tucked away up here in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. It ended up only being about 25 minutes from my home. Not that I have the money, but I do have the dream, so I called the number on my screen.

I spoke with a woman named Dona.... yes, that is how she spells it. ;) She was amazing.... super friendly, positive, upbeat, and just lovely. She told me about the different programs and that one was starting that night at 6pm. That was only in 1 1/2 hours from the time when we first spoke. The program was for Yoga certification... that would mean I could get certified to be a Yoga Teacher. That is just the beginning of many courses that could lead me to my Ayurvedic Practitioner Degree.

My heart was beating and I was soaring! I couldn't help but to think.... 'Wow, my ex just happens to be here right now. He could stay at my house for the weekend and watch the kiddos. I could swap him cars so he has enough room for all of them in case he needs to go somewhere. This is my dream coming true!'

So the program was only $3000 and I could make payments.... hmmmm. I haven't even paid my small amount of rent, how could I come up with any of that? I had $0 to my name. Dona was super willing to work with me, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the "how." How was I going to come up with a deposit? I didn't know, but I knew it was going to work out somehow.... it just had to. This particular school doesn't have a student loan program either.

Their Yoga Certification course requires me to be gone for one weekend a month and every Wednesday night until June. That would be feasible. It sounded great for my schedule. I really felt that the kids could hang with me being absent for that period of time. I also felt as if it's not asking so much of my ex to watch them during my classes.

I got off the phone and decided to jump in a nice, hot bath and let it go. I had to put it out there and stop being worried about it. I was still searching for ways to make this happen, but at the same time trying to 'just know' if it was meant to be, it would happen. I got out of the tub, saddened and bummed. So, I decided to clean the kitchen and get dinner started. I was thinking that maybe I'd catch the next course.

The phone rang around 5:30pm and it was Dona! She said she had never felt this way and usually doesn't say things like this, but that she felt I should come anyway. She said maybe I could get the money thing together after the weekend.

I couldn't even keep it together... I was extremely excited! I talked to my ex, my kiddos and then packed my bags and ran out the door!

My Tiana (11) said, "Way to go, Mom! You did it! You manifested it!"

My Jayden (9) was sad. She hadn't been feeling good and just wanted Mom. We had a great talk and she was bummed, but excited for me. She knew this was for all of us, not just Mom.

My boys were good with it... Dad was around. They were excited to spend time with him. Even though Keenan is not quite two, and doesn't quite speak... I had a feeling he was even okay with it. I told him good-bye for now and he was sad for a moment.

I was going to a Yoga weekend, training... can you believe it?!? I was headed to a retreat! A spa weekend, learning about what I love (Ayurveda and Yoga) and getting that me time in that was SO needed.

I learned an incredible amount of knowledge. I learned about Human Anatomy... unlike any high school lesson. I learned the history and geography of Yoga. I learned of the connection between Ayurveda and Yoga. I did Yoga 4 hours a day, meditation, relaxation, Pranayamas... all while being surrounded by beautiful, loving, compassionate beings.

So, now is Monday and I'm on a high. I still haven't figured out how to pay for the schooling, so I'm not sure if I will be able to continue.... but I do have an amazing feeling that this may just work out.

There is an Ayurveda I course starting in two weeks and a PanchaKarma course starting shorting there-after.... and a Yoga Therapy course in the summer along with Famliy Ayurveda. I want it all. I am ready for all of that and the rest of their courses. I am going to be an Ayurvedic Practitioner. This all costs money. Each course is additional... and the books that go along with the courses... and whatever other costs are associated with schooling.

I am not sure how this will pull together... but I sure do feel good about it.

Universe... please. I am ready to commit.

Oh, I didn't get the Ayurveda office job. No worries, I guess it wasn't meant for me. I have been applying to other "Wellness" jobs. We'll see what comes out of that.

My ex DID get a job!!! Yay, he is finally employed! He starts on Feb. 21st. He's back doing computer help desk stuff. I am excited for him and excited for me and the kiddos. We will now be getting some good child support and just maybe my ex will get situated and continue to be in the kid's lives consistently..... no expectations, though. Just wishful thinking. ;)

Single Mama W/ Boys!

I'm not the first or only single mama that is trying to raise boys into beautiful, strong, healthy, loving, independent, well-balanced men. It's been challenging for me lately. I'm all about reading up on other mama's stories, books, and anything inspiring for me to feel more apt and stronger in this area.... so that's what I've been spending my time on.

My three youngest are boys... Isaiah -7, Malik -4, and Keenan -almost 2.

Isaiah is super intelligent and has a lot of energy! He loves numbers... counting and having money is a passion of his. He reads, writes, and is quite the artist. He sleeps, eats, and dreams about skateboarding. Lately, he's really been into playing catch with his football.

Malik is my little brute but a big lover. He is ALL boy. The little man likes anything his big brother does. He skateboards, loves me to read Dr. Seuss stories to him, and is all about wrestling, spitting, jumping, yelling, and speaks the "caveman" language. He's been working on pronouncing and annunciating his words, so his speech is getting more clear every day.

My little Keenan... he's the baby of the family. He is spoiled and loved by all. He's quite the character and super cute. He knows it, too. ;) He loves both of his brothers, follows them around, and tries to be like them. His three big sisters just adore him.

So, my oldest is in college and my older two girls are in school during the weekday. I am home with the three boys.

Isaiah started school this year.... it was a mess! It was one week of complete hell for him and everyone around him. He didn't want to be there, wasn't fond of the teacher, didn't like the rules, and cried with anger every day. I think he's pretty angry inside in general. I'm sure it has something to do with his dad and I splitting up and the journey of that relationship right up to today.

I've homeschooled for so long, I figured one more year of having him at home would be fine. He's only 7... he could start next year. That was my thinking at the beginning of the year... now I'm questioning it. Plus, I am not as into the homeschooling and it's not as easy as it used to be. It was easier when I had a partner to help tag-team breakfasts, lunches, dinners, reading time, bedtime, etc. I do have a homeschool group I can meet up with in the area, but we've only done that once in the past two months.

Isaiah and Malik have some type of sibling rivalry. Maybe it's just a boy thing.... they're very competitive with everything they do. They nit pick at eachother most of the time and can't help but to tell on one another throughout the day. They like to get physical and wrestle around, play football, etc.

Keenan loves them both, is still young and doesn't really take sides.

My Isaiah has somewhat turned around in the last two days with his negative attitude. He went to my ex's house for a day and came back with ego and negativity all over. He went to my oldest daughter's house and didn't want to come home. When he did, again, just negative. Didn't want his family, definitely not his younger brother, Malik. Life sucked and everything was awful.

As a mom, that made me feel bad.... oh, but over it now. ;) I'm the "Ultimate Mama Warrior" and this is just a small battle on the big battle front! My little man Isaiah is crying out for more attention, more structure and boundaries. I have a tendency to give my kiddos choices and sometimes fall on the side of being too lenient. I am a woman, emotional, loving, and compassionate in all my womanliness. Most of the time I try to stay balanced, but the masculinity in me only comes roaring out during times of anger (productive anger for me). He needs some masculinity in his life for sure.

Since I do not have a man and he doesn't have a great male role model in his life at this point, I will be that man for now. I will set boundaries, get him into some martial arts and/or sports, encourage him in all of his masculine ways and research, read, learn and do whatever it takes to keep my little boys healthy in their masculinity. I'm thinking school is a great option for him... definitely next year, maybe this year and until then, some serious homeschooling and socializing through this group we are a part of. I also contacted Big Brothers/Big Sisters to see if that's an option.

Isaiah responds to male energy. If we're out with friends, family, etc. he's hangin' with the big boys. He has made a few big guy friends at his big sister's college. He craves that male energy.

I feel like little Malik is okay with his big brother, but responds to Isaiah's negativity towards him. If Isaiah was loving and friendly to Malik, Malik would respond in a positive light.

No worries... it's on. Just need to focus and step up.

The Sunshine Has Returned...

Yay... the sun has come out. Life is not feeling so heavy. I don't stay down for long. ;)

I called to check on my resume today. The conversation went well and they are still interviewing. Now it's a waiting thing... no worries, though. Just going to let it go. Thinking, by the time they call and the job works out, my car will be up and running. It'll all work out. I've done my thing... turned in my resume and cover letter, called today to check up on it. Now, just good vibes and positive thoughts.....

My roommate said if I wanted to sell some of the things in the basement on Craigslist, I could do so and keep a good portion of the money. She is ready to clean out that space. I put quite a few items on and quickly sold some tires from the basement for $100... enough to pay a few fees and get my tags right on my car! At least get a new temp tag so the towing company will tow it to the shop to get fixed. That is a step in the right direction. ;)

Tomorrow is my "coffee shop shopping" day. My dad is coming up to get me and spend the day with me and the boys... shopping. Another $50, time with my dad, my boys and my oldest, a grocery store run, and getting the tag for the car.... sounds like a good and productive day.

I'm always taken care of. I don't know why I get down now and then, but I suppose I'm human. :)

Always grateful.

Gloomy Today... Trying To Keep Shining

Feeling kinda down.... and it's overcast today. I need some sun and light from within to shine a little brighter.

My car has outdated tags, I have an "outdated" ticket that needs to be paid, and now the car is just not starting. Fortunately, it's covered under warranty for towing and repair (if it's the fuel pump problem that I think it is).... unfortunately, the tow company only tows cars with updated and legal tags. :(

Hmmmm..... "exhale."

I did submit a resume and cover letter on Wednesday for a job in an Ayurvedic Dr.'s office for a Receptionist/Office Admin. position! That would be super amazing and a giant step towards what I am super passionate about.... Ayurveda! The doctor is well known and has written many books. He studied in India and has been teaching and practicing for over 20 years! He also lives with his wife in the area and has six kids.... kinda ironic? ;) I want this job.... I'm a perfect fit! Hopefully the universe thinks so. The schedule is perfect for me, too... it would allow me to still be mom. My ex is kinda chillin' right now, so I'm thinking he can babysit until I get the daycare/school situation worked out for my kiddos.

Without my car, my freedom feels a little restricted. No bus system in the mountains.... well kinda. There is an express bus that would take me down to the flats where I could catch a regional bus... but the schedule is very limited. Not to mention taking the crew with me.... it would be six of us, a snack/food cooler, diaper bag, and maybe stuff to do on the bus for the kiddos.... transfers, bringing back groceries, walking a ways to the house.... a definite adventure!

And trying to get the girls to and from school has been interesting. We'll see what this next week brings.... not sure how that's going to work out. But, alas... I don't really need to know the how... I just know it will. Trying to keep my vibe high and my head up.

I miss my gym time.... my alone time... some type of breathing time. I did wake up last night after the kiddos fell asleep. I ran a hot bath, lit candles, played some soft music, put some essential oils in the bath, grabbed my Infinite Love and Gratitude book and soaked for about an hour.... mmmmmm. That was lovely. I'm grateful.

I am also feeling extremely ready to pay this sweet lady that has allowed me and my crew to live here. I haven't been able to pay her rent.... she so deserves it. She has been so welcoming and compassionate.

I'm ready to be productive! I want to work, I want to go to school, I want to support my crew and have our own space.

Hoping for this job... then I'll worry about this car thing and I'm sure it will all work out beautifully.

xoxo

Numerology... Age 51 and Beyond.

Here is my 4th pinnacle of life...

Fourth Pinnacle 11

Your latter years will be spent as both a seeker and a
teacher of enlightenment and knowledge. You may be a
practitioner of alternative medicine or the psychic arts.
At any rate, others will perceive you as being very wise
and seek out your counsel. Although money may not matter
much to you, you will try to raise it as you see riches as
being a manifestation of good energy. There is also likely
to be some travel and difficulty settling down as you seek
to place yourself in the world where your help is needed
most.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Remembering and honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. today and so grateful for him.

Some of his words:

The oceans of history are made turbulent by the ever-rising tides of hate. History is cluttered with the wreckage of nations and individuals that pursued that self-defeating path of hate. Love is the key to the solution of the problems of the world. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Nobel Prize lecture, 11 December 1968

Will we march only to the music of time, or will we, risking criticism and abuse, march to the soul-saving music of eternity? ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Strength to Love, 1963

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase.

[I]t must be emphasized that nonviolent resistance is not a method for cowards; it does resist. If one uses this method because he is afraid or merely because he lacks the instruments of violence, he is not truly nonviolent. This is why Gandhi often said that if cowardice is the only alternative to violence, it is better to fight. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story, 1958

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.

The majority of the Negroes who took part in the year-long boycott of Montgomery's buses were poor and untutored; but they understood the essence of the Montgomery movement; one elderly woman summed it up for the rest. When asked after several weeks of walking whether she was tired, she answered: "My feet is tired, but my soul is at rest." ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Stride Toward Freedom: The Montgomery Story, 1958

"My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary."

Black Power alone is no more insurance against social injustice than white power. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

In the final analysis the weakness of Black Power is its failure to see that the black man needs the white man and the white man needs the black man. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967

I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.

I still have a dream today that one day war will come to an end, that men will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks, that nations will no longer rise up against nations, neither will they study war any more. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., The Trumpet of Conscience, 1968

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.

I am convinced that the universe is under the control of a loving purpose, and that in the struggle for righteousness man has cosmic companionship. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.

The Negro is the child of two cultures - Africa and America. The problem is that in the search for wholeness all too many Negroes seek to embrace only one side of their natures. ~Martin Luther King, Jr., Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, 1967

Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.

"You have as much laughter as you have faith."

Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

"This life therefore is not righteousness, but growth in righteousness, not health, but healing, not being but becoming, not rest but exercise. We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it, the process is not yet finished, but it is going on, this is not the end, but it is the road. All does not yet gleam in glory, but all is being purified."

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

"If you want to change the world, pick up your pen and write."

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars... Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

"Although it is very easy to marry a wife, it is very difficult to support her along with the children and the household. Accordingly, no one notices this faith of Jacob. Indeed, many hate fertility in a wife for the sole reason that the offspring must be supported and brought up. For this is what they commonly say: ‘Why should I marry a wife when I am a pauper and a beggar? I would rather bear the burden of poverty alone and not load myself with misery and want.’ But this blame is unjustly fastened on marriage and fruitfulness. Indeed, you are indicting your unbelief by distrusting God’s goodness, and you are bringing greater misery upon yourself by disparaging God’s blessing. For if you had trust in God’s grace and promises, you would undoubtedly be supported. But because you do not hope in the Lord, you will never prosper."

Segregation is the adultery of an illicit intercourse between injustice and immorality.

Ten thousand fools proclaim themselves into obscurity, while one wise man forgets himself into immortality.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.

When you are right you cannot be too radical; when you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative.

The hope of a secure and livable world lies with disciplined nonconformists who are dedicated to justice, peace and brotherhood.

All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.

The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human and, therefore, brothers.

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

The church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society.

Now, I say to you today my friends, even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: - 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.'

I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

...And I've looked over, and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. So I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man.

Martin Luther King Jr., Speech in Memphis, April 3, 1968, the day before King was assassinated

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Other quotes I love...

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. ~Anne Frank

You must be the change you wish to see in the world. ~Mahatma Ghandi

Laundry is the only thing that should be separated by color. ~Author Unknown

I am working for the time when unqualified blacks, browns, and women join the unqualified men in running our government. ~Cissy Farenthold

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal. ~Albert Pike

A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle. ~Author Unknown

Not only must we be good, but we must also be good for something. ~Henry David Thoreau

Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. ~Mother Teresa

Never do anything against conscience even if the state demands it. ~Albert Einstein

If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.
Barack Obama

It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get to where we are today, but we have just begun. Today we begin in earnest the work of making sure that the world we leave our children is just a little bit better than the one we inhabit today.
Barack Obama

Change has come to America.
Barack Obama

and one more...

We've got a tragic history when it comes to race in this country. We've got a lot of pent-up anger and bitterness and misunderstanding. ... This country wants to move beyond these kinds of things.
Barack Obama