12 years and looking back....

i've been in a relationship for almost 12 years now.  we've had many great times together and have shared a lot.  we split about a month ago and  it's ok.  life goes on and many other great times are to come... with or without him.  

growing up, i always dreamt of a beautiful wedding, with a man who was head over heals for me, and living happily ever after...  yes, i was raised in america.  we never got married, which was something i was okay with.  we did have beautiful kids and learned a lot.  i'm still learning.  we met when i was 21 and he was 19.  we liked to party together.... drinkin' and smokin'.  as time went on and i was pregnant and nursing year after year, i gave partying up for the most part.  i was okay with him continuing to do what made him happy.  i didn't really give it much thought until last year.  a few things happened that made me feel like it was truly a problem and a numbing thing for him.  it was something that helped him cope with his day to day struggles and try to forget his issues.... issues from childhood, parenting issues, work issues, etc.  

he has choices to make... so do i.  we talked about it for about a year or more.  the money that goes into booze and herb.  the toll it takes on your body.  the impression it leaves on the kids.  my kids like to pretend they are having a beer by drinking water out of the beer bottles.  they know the beer store and the lollipops they get when they go with dad.  not to mention the anger that comes from having alcohol in your system every day for years.  and on, and on.  

all i can do for him, is let him.  let him endure his choices... i cannot change him, only he can.    

i made my choice.... i don't want that for me or the kids.  i feel good about this choice and it's another transition for the family.  life is full of transitions.  the kids are great!  they are dealing in their own ways and sifting through it all.  we have good days and more stressful good days.  

money is tight right now and i'm feeling a little more drained than usual, but optimism is my friend.  i know it's alright and money is going to be flowing in soon enough.  i'm going to sleep good and take life as it comes.

balancing my teenage girl, my 9-year-old girl who needs xtra loving, my sweet 7-year-old girl, my little man who really wants dad right now and my babe who is fearless, relationship "stuff," work, my own "stuff" and needs/wants, and life is a minute by minute journey....

i do have it good... life is good.

learning a lot - still.

jenae