filing in two days and already moving on....

when i kicked out my husband of twelve years.... i put it out there.  i told the universe what i wanted.  i wanted a big, beautiful dark skinned man to love me, take care of me, empower me, help me grow, be a strength for me.  i met someone.  whether this is him is still to be determined.... but he is a big, beautiful dark skinned man who is loving on me.  when i put it out there, i let it go.  i wrote it down, talked about it and then let it go. 

when i was faced with kissing on someone else, or letting him touch me, i thought it would be much harder to allow.  i didn't resist much.  i've found someone i am comfortable with and feel good around.  i definitely don't go around kissing just anyone... i'm a lil picky.  

maybe i should feel guilty, maybe i should be sorry, but i'm not.  i'm sorry this has hurt my lover of 12 years, but i'm not sorry for my actions.  i'm okay with where i'm at.  

who knows what will come of this new friendship, but i'm loving it for now.  it feels good.

peace,

jenae

too late...

sometimes it takes a LOT for someone to realize what is going on.  you can tell them over and over, but really it's on their time.  it's their own life experiences that make them determine whether or not to make that decision, to give up something, to make a change.  hitting "rock bottom" seems to be the breaking point.  loose your home, loose your wife, loose your kids.... then make some changes!  sometimes the changes still don't happen.  funny how the universe works.  

i've enjoyed my new experiences through this clouded divorce process.  i like where i am most of the time.  sometimes i get weak and sad and don't even know where i am.  but, for the most part, i see things for what they are and embrace them.  i'm here now and that's what i am enjoying.  not too worried about tomorrow or yesterday.  

xoxoxoxox

another day goes by....

gotta stay strong... for me, for my kids. life always works out for me. drama will come and go and in the end, i'm ok.

ya think ya know someone....

i have watched and heard about others going through a divorce.... not being able to come to agreements, arguing, getting the kids involved, etc.  i would have never thought my man and i would do that.  we are.  we can't seem to communicate.  we can't agree.  we argue about who said what, when and if the kiddoes were there.  i don't much care for drama.  hopefully we can resolve this without attorneys and getting ugly(er).   i still feel optimistic most of the time... but there are moments.  now is one of them.  

breathing....

jenae 

12 years and looking back....

i've been in a relationship for almost 12 years now.  we've had many great times together and have shared a lot.  we split about a month ago and  it's ok.  life goes on and many other great times are to come... with or without him.  

growing up, i always dreamt of a beautiful wedding, with a man who was head over heals for me, and living happily ever after...  yes, i was raised in america.  we never got married, which was something i was okay with.  we did have beautiful kids and learned a lot.  i'm still learning.  we met when i was 21 and he was 19.  we liked to party together.... drinkin' and smokin'.  as time went on and i was pregnant and nursing year after year, i gave partying up for the most part.  i was okay with him continuing to do what made him happy.  i didn't really give it much thought until last year.  a few things happened that made me feel like it was truly a problem and a numbing thing for him.  it was something that helped him cope with his day to day struggles and try to forget his issues.... issues from childhood, parenting issues, work issues, etc.  

he has choices to make... so do i.  we talked about it for about a year or more.  the money that goes into booze and herb.  the toll it takes on your body.  the impression it leaves on the kids.  my kids like to pretend they are having a beer by drinking water out of the beer bottles.  they know the beer store and the lollipops they get when they go with dad.  not to mention the anger that comes from having alcohol in your system every day for years.  and on, and on.  

all i can do for him, is let him.  let him endure his choices... i cannot change him, only he can.    

i made my choice.... i don't want that for me or the kids.  i feel good about this choice and it's another transition for the family.  life is full of transitions.  the kids are great!  they are dealing in their own ways and sifting through it all.  we have good days and more stressful good days.  

money is tight right now and i'm feeling a little more drained than usual, but optimism is my friend.  i know it's alright and money is going to be flowing in soon enough.  i'm going to sleep good and take life as it comes.

balancing my teenage girl, my 9-year-old girl who needs xtra loving, my sweet 7-year-old girl, my little man who really wants dad right now and my babe who is fearless, relationship "stuff," work, my own "stuff" and needs/wants, and life is a minute by minute journey....

i do have it good... life is good.

learning a lot - still.

jenae  

family changes....

kids growing, family changes... we used to go out in public and be able to calmly enjoy ourselves. anymore, we seem to struggle for peace within the family in public and at home. the kiddoes, malik 16 months, isaiah 4 1/2, jayden 7 and tiana 9 are fighting and yelling and not peaceful! everybody has an opinion.... some want to go there and some do not. the boys are climbing on things, spitting on things, jumping off things and on and on! so, as a pretty peaceful mama, i'm now at a loss. i will not give up, but something's gotta give!
in a big family, sometimes i get comfortable with the way things "are." i seem to forget transitions happen, people grow, things change. then, when things change, i'm surprised! damn, he has now figured out how to open the fridge and pour everything on the floor! and when did he start yelling? and where did that attitude come from? she didn't have that a few months ago and now it's just a part of her?! family is great and i am truly blessed.... these are some trying times and i'm sure this is part of my path.... learning something new and going through challenges so i can grow as a person. well this ultimate warrior mama is not giving up... not ever giving up! bring it on!

a day in the life...

loving family! when we're together, all is well. we're searching for a way to be together more and have a ton of money coming in at the same time! i've read a book recently called, "the secret of the millionaire mind." i love it! it has such a great feel to me. i'm abundant in many ways, and money is next! i want my cake and i'm gonna eat it too! the fam has been brainstorming on different ideas to bring in passive income. i'm thinking about writing a book or two.... maybe on parenting, maybe on natural living, maybe both! we'll keep ya updated!
xoxoxo
peace

what is it about anyway?

as i sit here, my little man (1-year-old) is laughing with string that he has unraveled all over, as he's trying to step on me. we're hanging out on the floor because i can be with him, and that's what it is all about.... being together on this journey. enjoying eachother and taking part in eachother's lives.
we all have something to offer. find it, embrace it, and spread it! don't stop until you figure it out.
in my world, love is so important. there's not really a right and wrong. it's really right for whoever you are. for me, love is where it's at. love for eachother, love for others, love for nature, kids and all of those grumpy and lost beings that need even more love! love doesn't have to be mushy... it can be firm. love doesn't have to be agreeing, it can be disagreeing. love just is! it is.
more to come! parenting, living, stories, family beds, homeschooling, health, allergies, herbs, and apple cider vinegar!
take care of you! and then, take care of others!