LOA

So, life is good. Living, loving, dating, doing the mama thing and keeping balance! I'm loving the Law of Attraction. I've got my vision board.... got my box of whatever is, is.... keeping my vibration up with gratitude and love. It feels good to be grown and be able to make decisions about dating, parenting, doing, and knowing that it's okay because I'm grown and understand the outcome or circumstances surrounding it all. The kiddos are beautiful and growing in there own lives. My Tiana and Jayden are attending a free, public, waldorf school in a beautiful mountain house on 5 acres. It's a science and arts school that is the perfect spot for my lovely, free spirits to learn, grow and bloom! My boys are enjoying eachother and life as we go.... wrestling, playing, fighting, spitting, and then some. My Shaylee is blooming and has decided to go to school for International Affairs! Whoa... where'd that come from? Not me for sure! But fun to watch and interesting to see how far she's going! Got reconnected with my soul mate, friend on Facebook. Shawna is a beautiful being that has been in and outta my life for over 17 years! Her and I are almost one in the same. Some differences, but sooooo many similarities. LOVE her.
Keep your head up, increase your vibe, love what you got, where you are, embrace it all, and put out there what you WANT.... see where that gets ya! xoxox

Time keeps on movin'!

Here I am... a little over a year later! I am loving all of the changes and everything they have brought. Every time I feel some stress... I count my blessings! And, oh, do I have blessings! One is 4 months old, another 2 1/2, almost 6, 8, 10, 16, two beautiful dogs, a nice home, farm food, friends, my amazing dad, more family, strangers, and a job that I enjoy! There is more... sometimes a crying baby (glad he's alive and well), an unhappy 2 year-old throwing a tantrum (also glad he's here with me), a flat tire (at least I have a car), a mess in the kitchen (appreciate the food we get to eat), a spill on the floor (we have a floor!), never ending laundry (just means we have clothes for all of our bodies), etc. etc.! The list goes on!
I am creating my life. Divorced now... done going back and forth with him since the divorce. Our divorce was final in November of last year. We have dated a few times since then to no avail. It's been hard, because I remember him as my best friend. I remember tag teaming with the kiddos. I remember going for walks to the park as a family. That was then.
I am embracing now. Now is definitely different. We are different. He is not what I crave any longer. I want to move forward. I will have a nice home for us. I will enjoy my kids, have lotsa money, have nice things, help others, go on vacations with the kids and without them, I am going to take time for me, spas, massages, etc., etc. etc. We deserve to thrive.
since last year, i have given birth to a beautiful baby boy. his father is not my ex husband. his father is the only other man i have been with since the divorce. we were together a total of four or five weeks. he lives on the east coast and was here in colorado last summer. i was staying at my sister's house during the divorce and he was staying at my sister's house with her boyfriend for a visit at the same time. he had five kids and was going through a separation, as was i. this is what happened.... no excuses. no regrets.
the pregnancy was different than what i'm used to. this time i was pregnant by a man who wasn't going to be a part of the pregnancy or the baby's life. i also was still in love and missing my ex husband and confused by the divorce... so i dated my ex off and on throughout the pregnancy. he wasn't comfortable with the pregnancy, which made things different. he would still rub my belly... just differently. also during our "dating," little did i know he was pursuing other women. what a mess. glad it's over! more about that another time!
i only wish the best to him on his journey and i want the best on mine. the kids have adjusted through this and will continue adjusting as life goes on. this was the best choice for us. i want to show my kids that it's important to make decisions based on what you believe in... based on what is right for them, no matter what the outcome may look like. stay strong and do what you think is right, no matter what others think, no matter how hard it is.... you can do it. you can do whatever you put your mind and heart into.... even if you have six kids, even if you aren't sure what happens next or how you'll get your next meal. know that you aren't alone in this huge universe and things will work out. my horses fly. :) day by day... that's the way.
jenae

filing in two days and already moving on....

when i kicked out my husband of twelve years.... i put it out there.  i told the universe what i wanted.  i wanted a big, beautiful dark skinned man to love me, take care of me, empower me, help me grow, be a strength for me.  i met someone.  whether this is him is still to be determined.... but he is a big, beautiful dark skinned man who is loving on me.  when i put it out there, i let it go.  i wrote it down, talked about it and then let it go. 

when i was faced with kissing on someone else, or letting him touch me, i thought it would be much harder to allow.  i didn't resist much.  i've found someone i am comfortable with and feel good around.  i definitely don't go around kissing just anyone... i'm a lil picky.  

maybe i should feel guilty, maybe i should be sorry, but i'm not.  i'm sorry this has hurt my lover of 12 years, but i'm not sorry for my actions.  i'm okay with where i'm at.  

who knows what will come of this new friendship, but i'm loving it for now.  it feels good.

peace,

jenae

too late...

sometimes it takes a LOT for someone to realize what is going on.  you can tell them over and over, but really it's on their time.  it's their own life experiences that make them determine whether or not to make that decision, to give up something, to make a change.  hitting "rock bottom" seems to be the breaking point.  loose your home, loose your wife, loose your kids.... then make some changes!  sometimes the changes still don't happen.  funny how the universe works.  

i've enjoyed my new experiences through this clouded divorce process.  i like where i am most of the time.  sometimes i get weak and sad and don't even know where i am.  but, for the most part, i see things for what they are and embrace them.  i'm here now and that's what i am enjoying.  not too worried about tomorrow or yesterday.  

xoxoxoxox

another day goes by....

gotta stay strong... for me, for my kids. life always works out for me. drama will come and go and in the end, i'm ok.

ya think ya know someone....

i have watched and heard about others going through a divorce.... not being able to come to agreements, arguing, getting the kids involved, etc.  i would have never thought my man and i would do that.  we are.  we can't seem to communicate.  we can't agree.  we argue about who said what, when and if the kiddoes were there.  i don't much care for drama.  hopefully we can resolve this without attorneys and getting ugly(er).   i still feel optimistic most of the time... but there are moments.  now is one of them.  

breathing....

jenae 

12 years and looking back....

i've been in a relationship for almost 12 years now.  we've had many great times together and have shared a lot.  we split about a month ago and  it's ok.  life goes on and many other great times are to come... with or without him.  

growing up, i always dreamt of a beautiful wedding, with a man who was head over heals for me, and living happily ever after...  yes, i was raised in america.  we never got married, which was something i was okay with.  we did have beautiful kids and learned a lot.  i'm still learning.  we met when i was 21 and he was 19.  we liked to party together.... drinkin' and smokin'.  as time went on and i was pregnant and nursing year after year, i gave partying up for the most part.  i was okay with him continuing to do what made him happy.  i didn't really give it much thought until last year.  a few things happened that made me feel like it was truly a problem and a numbing thing for him.  it was something that helped him cope with his day to day struggles and try to forget his issues.... issues from childhood, parenting issues, work issues, etc.  

he has choices to make... so do i.  we talked about it for about a year or more.  the money that goes into booze and herb.  the toll it takes on your body.  the impression it leaves on the kids.  my kids like to pretend they are having a beer by drinking water out of the beer bottles.  they know the beer store and the lollipops they get when they go with dad.  not to mention the anger that comes from having alcohol in your system every day for years.  and on, and on.  

all i can do for him, is let him.  let him endure his choices... i cannot change him, only he can.    

i made my choice.... i don't want that for me or the kids.  i feel good about this choice and it's another transition for the family.  life is full of transitions.  the kids are great!  they are dealing in their own ways and sifting through it all.  we have good days and more stressful good days.  

money is tight right now and i'm feeling a little more drained than usual, but optimism is my friend.  i know it's alright and money is going to be flowing in soon enough.  i'm going to sleep good and take life as it comes.

balancing my teenage girl, my 9-year-old girl who needs xtra loving, my sweet 7-year-old girl, my little man who really wants dad right now and my babe who is fearless, relationship "stuff," work, my own "stuff" and needs/wants, and life is a minute by minute journey....

i do have it good... life is good.

learning a lot - still.

jenae