I am so grateful for my father. He wasn't around much when I was little due to his wife's feelings about me and my brother.... and my mother. My dad was in and out of my life.
His wife, my step-mother, committed suicide about 20ish years ago. That is when my relationship with my father began.
He was devastated over her death. She left him a short note saying something like, "I thought you loved me." With a super amount of guilt and a heavy heart, he moved himself to Colorado. His parents and siblings live around the metro area. He also paid my mother's way to Colorado so he would be close to my brother and I. I was about 15 then.
Shortly after we moved to Colorado, I became pregnant with Shaylee. I was sweet sixteen when I had to tell my dad I was having a baby. He was disappointed, excited, nervous, and not quite sure what to say. However, looking back, it was the best thing that could've happened. Before I told him about this new life, he had thoughts of suicide. He didn't want to live after his wife died. Now he felt like he had something to live for. He told me once that this baby might have saved his life.
My dad was there for me when I was pregnant. He called all of my relatives within 20 minutes of telling him the news! I was a little nervous about that, but it worked out beautifully. My family as a whole is very supportive. My dad and I even went bowling when I was eight months pregnant! He got a good laugh outta that. ;)
My dad was there when Shay was born. He was in charge of filming the birth... poor guy. Little did he know it was going to take 24 1/2 hours! He got to cut her umbilical cord. Needless to say, they have always had a super close relationship. My dad savors every moment of Shaylee's life and has from the beginning. He saw her first steps, watched her think things through and make decisions, and still pays such close attention to every detail of her life. I think he realized he missed out on my childhood and really wanted to pay attention to his granddaughter's. That is just what he has done and just what he continues to do.
Time has passed.... my dad is now in his early 60's and my daughter is turning 18 in a few weeks. I have some great memories and we've had some good times.
Over the past few years, illness has crept up on my dad. He hasn't had the healthiest diet or exercise routine. He watches a lot of TV and enjoys playing card games on his computer... usually at the same time. I think TV for my dad is like alcohol for other's. He has used TV over the years to numb himself from grieving for his wife, childhood issues, and just life in general. He knows when every "Judge" show comes on, tapes certain talk shows and has stayed home, missing family events, when certain sporting events are on.
I've heard of other friends and acquaintances having to take care of and even losing their parents. Now, it's time for me to visit this subject and really put some thought into it.
My dad is sick. A few months ago, in the back of my mind, Parkinson's came up. I didn't pay much attention to it... until now. That is my diagnosis. I would never wish that on anyone (definitely not my dad) and feel a huge sense of guilt even saying the word. He hasn't been tested by a Western Medicine Physician... that's next.
I haven't told him yet. I haven't told him I think he should be tested for Parkinson's. Not sure how I will go about this. I feel heavy.
Parkinson's? My dad? That can't be... can it? I've only had a few days to really absorb this. We'll wait for the official diagnosis... but I can't help but to feel sad.
My dad told me, more than once, he never wanted to be a burden on me or my brother. He also doesn't want to feel helpless. He said he always has a way out... "it" is an option for him.
To the man who means sooo much to me...
Dearest Dad,
I love you more than you'll ever know.
You are my best friend. You are my support. You have been there for me in so many ways. You have loved me unconditionally.
You supported me when I told you I was pregnant... at 16. You supported me when I told you I was pregnant, time after time, after time! ;)
You were supportive when I said, "Dad, we're selling EVERYTHING and moving into a 21 foot RV for the summer." And again the next summer, and again the following summer.
You were supportive when I said I was homeschooling Shaylee and then the rest of the kids. You were supportive when I said I wasn't immunizing the kids.
You were supportive when I said I was treating my kids at home and we weren't going to go to the hospital or use western medicine when they were sick.
You supported me when I said, "Dad, I'm getting a divorce.... I'm taking the five kiddos and I'm leaving him."
You never doubted me.... at least out loud. ;)
Dad, thanks for loving me and believing in me. You have been such a strength in my life. You are my earth angel.
Dad, I am here to support you now. I am here for you. I want to be your strength and support. Allow me to be your earth angel.
Whatever decisions you make, whatever feelings you have, I am here to support you. I will not judge you and won't take anything personal.
I love you unconditionally, Dad. You are my hero... my hero.
With Pure Love.... Your daughter,
Nae
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