Feeling Like Staying Put

I received a hand delivered letter yesterday from the real estate agent that is heading up our eviction.  It is a relocation assistance offer....

The bank will pay me $1700 if I move us out by the sixth of April.....really?  Move this family in seven days?  That $1700 will go fast and then where will we be?  That's your offer?

$900 if I move us out by the 22nd of April.  

The girls only have two months left of school....eight weeks.  They catch the bus every morning about five blocks from the house.  

Let's see....$1700.... ideally, first months rent and deposit for a place to live, moving costs, gas to drive my girls to their bus stop every day if I cannot locate a home in their current school district.  Still no child support.  A job?  Have one....raising my five beautiful kiddos.  There is no paycheck, no cash income for that though.  If I had a safe place for them all, I would work.  I worked during my entire marriage and enjoyed it.   

I do have one back up plan....a friend has a two bedroom, garden level apartment in his home.  He is trying to fix up and sell the house.  It has no well water or city water.  He trucks in water and dumps it into a cistern that feeds the house.  It would be like camping....not able to take long showers and use tons of water.  He called it GI Joe style living.  I wouldn't be able to unpack our things, as it would only be a temporary solution.  It is down the mountain, farther from my girls school.

Really surrendering at this point.  Trying to stay grounded and make the right choices for this amazing family.  I knew this day was coming, but never saw another option.  I know, in my core, it is all going to work out beautifully.  I just have to remind myself of that and keep my head up. 

Things to be grateful for....beautiful, healthy kiddos, our time in this amazing sanctuary, organic food at the food banks, an incredible older daughter that is rocking at this thing called life, friends, family and community.  So many earth angels and blessings along the way, too.  

Not thinking we'll move with that offer.  It's more than I have now, but it will go fast.  Thinking it over....

Dearest Fannie Mae Mortgage Company....

You wouldn't know me by name or story.  I am just another "case" of foreclosure.... another number.  A tenant that has fallen into a situation that unknowingly would cause more instability, when stability was the #1 goal.  A family that is being forced to move to an unknown destination.

Yes, I knew this was happening.  It was a little late in the game when I found out, but I knew the foreclosure was in process.  I have been diligently searching for another opportunity...another rental that would allow a single mother of five (six including my amazing, beautiful girl in college now) to call home.  A home we can retreat to that is sacred and special.  A place we can finally come home to and KNOW it won't be taken from us....we won't be evicted due to non-payment, we won't have to leave due to foreclosure, we won't have to worry about leaving due to our size or noise level.  There won't be some unstable man living upstairs from us.  It will be our stable, sanctuary where we can plant roots.  A place when the children can grow, be safe, and always know it's their's.

Hard to do when child support is "every now and then."  Hard to do when my passion and love in life is raising these beautiful beings, guiding them, nourishing them, feeding their souls as they grow...being a true mother.  Hard to balance in this world.

Fine...challenge....I've had my share.  I also realize MANY have it much worse than we do.  My problems are "first world" in comparison.  

I can't give up....not never.  ;)  Consider me the "Ultimate Mama Warrior."

I can work 60 hours a week and let others raise them?  Not for me or this crew.  Notice the rest of society?  Notice the lack of love, parenting, time, guidance, attention, and focus on our families in this society?  What is important....really?  Life is but a blink in time...what is important?

Here's the deal, Fannie.... this family has been homeless on three separate occasions now.  We have camped it, lived in emergency family housing, stayed with family and friends (for a night at a time, due to our large size), and have had more than our share of days on beans and rice.

These kiddos have seen/felt/experienced alcoholism, have been in unacceptable situations (that have only made them stronger), have had to use critical thinking (thank you, they now are experts), and have learned patience, gained wisdom, struggled with balance, trust and stability.  We are learning, growing and challenged with contrast and expansion on a regular basis.

Grateful in so many ways..... but this is no longer acceptable.

Fannie, you own MANY properties....you really need this one?  Evicting a single mama of five to gain profit?  Not working with my lease because it is a month-to-month....but if it happened to be a year lease, I could have more time?

Maybe you can help me explain to my girls that we have to move before school is over.  Two months til school is out and because we don't have a year lease, we have 30 days to move.

Fannie, we just found this school.  The old school in the canyon that the girls have been attending for 3 years closed this past year for financial reasons....they lost their only stability besides me.  Can't we just finish the school year?

Rules, laws, regulations, guidelines.....you don't know our family?  You don't care?  There is no room for human"ness?"  WHY?

Tiana is 13 now and amazing!  She just finished volleyball and had a great season.  She has a band performance tomorrow night and will be playing drums.

Jayden?  She is 11....almost 12 now.  She has a choir performance tonight.  She is really excited to sing on stage and will be in her element.  This has been a tough year for her.  Emotions have ran high....entering a public school for the first time, dealing with her feelings about her father being absent, having a stable home environment.  This one is my most sensitive.

Isaiah...he's 9 now.  He LOVES skateboarding and is smart as a whip!  He has great energy and is fun to be around....quite the character.  He has a hard time relating to men in his life.  He seems to withdraw when they are around.

Malik is my amazing, energetic, fireball.  He is definitely a mountain man and enjoys the outdoors.  He also LOVES skateboarding.  His challenges are mostly with speech.  

Keenan....my little man.  This little guy is almost four and my most stubborn.  ;)  It will serve him as he gets older, I'm sure.  What a strength in my life.

Fannie, this is my incredible crew.  This is the family that will be moving soon and leaving their only sanctuary. We are always taken care of and I know this will be no different...somehow it ALWAYS works out beautifully.

Just know, this mama is tired.  I don't want to move.  I don't want these children to have to move AGAIN.  These beautiful souls deserve, crave and would thrive with stability.   

I know you are hoping for more money, but don't forget the families that are affected....the children that suffer....the parents guilt from the weight of it all.  There is room for human"ness" in all of this.  Maybe an addendum needs to be created.  ;)

A Week Before the Auction

One week until the home we are currently in is up for auction.  My plan?  ;)  I've been looking, but haven't come upon any opportunities for housing.  No worries...apparently we are right where we are supposed to be. 

Of course, the kids and I are using this opportunity to see what a foreclosure auction is like.  A homeschool trip to the county next week!  I've never been, nobody I know has ever been....why not check it out and learn a little something?  I don't expect anything specific to happen, just feel like we should go. 

The girls are doing well in school and the boys are keeping me busy and on my toes daily while we spend our days together exploring this world of ours.  They are curious and full of energy.  Malik (6) has been super interested in reading and sounds.  He's motivated.  We have been playing a LOT of games at home, Connect 4, Life, Uno, etc.  All the boys are loving it....me, too!  The girls come home and join in as they tell us about their days, their connections, concerns, ideas.

When I moved into this home, my garden level apartment in this big, beautiful mountain home, I was for sure it would be long term.  It certainly feels like home to me....my sanctuary.  Maybe it will be?  Who knows. 

Three weeks after I moved in, in June, the wife (that was living upstairs with the husband) left the husband (landlord drama) to move in with her new man and they both stopped paying the mortgage and bills.  Blessings in it all though..... I haven't paid rent since August, just paying the bills.  That has been perfect for us.  My ex has been paying less than and little to no child support these past six months or so.  My income?  That is my income.  Good timing Universe.  I am grateful. Thankful for friends, family and earth angels for loving this family and taking better than good care of us.

I would love to work if I could get these boys in an environment that would allow them to grow spiritually, mentally... exponentially!  I want to be a mama first, then work part time outside of the family serving amazing, organic food, juice, love to all.  That would be my perfect world.  We'll see....I have some ideas that I want to focus on and bring to life.  Soon!  Soon....did ya hear that, Universe?!  Please and thank you.  xo



  

Still Lovely and Blessings Abundant!

Life continues to be a beautiful, chaotic, interesting, amazing, magical, and a lesson filled journey. 

I continue to search for Truth.... continue loving and supporting these babies.... continue giving love freely to all who are in my "bubble" ....continue staying open and believing in something Bigger than me that shows me daily how much I am loved and taken care of. 

We're still in the mountains, living in an amazing sanctuary right now.  I have a story to go with that.... but maybe another time. ;) It's another "blessing in disguise."  The home is in foreclosure and we may have to move after or around the auction date which is in March of 2013.  Good news:  I am not paying rent...only bills.  Thankful for that.  Who knows, maybe someone will purchase it and let us stay in the garden level apartment....maybe I'll meet a man who finds it just as amazing as I do, who falls in love with it and buys it!  I'm such a dreamer, such an optimistic girl. 

My ex moved to Portland with his girlfriend/fiance in September of this year.  Since then, child support has been a hit and run.  Right now, he is unemployed....but, we are still more than taken care of.  Friends, family, earth angels, unearthly angels, ;) and higher powers at work for sure. 

The three boys are at home with me.... Isaiah (9), Malik (6), Keenan (3.5).  The girls are in a small school that will do for now.  Their old school closed due to financial reasons.... well, I think the truth is the new administrator was hungry for more money.  She closed the mountain campus and opened a HUGE new one down in the flats.  I am searching for another school that is a similar sanctuary for this crew.  It's coming.... maybe now is just a good time to keep the boys home.  The girls are happy where they are.  That's all that truly matters.

My life is full of reading spiritual books right now.  I just picked up The Urantia Book.  The way I found it was incredible!  I found it at a thrift store for $1.50 directly after searching for it at the local library and coming up with nothing.  It's a book that I've been thinking about since I read a book about angels a few months ago.  The book of angels mentioned The Urantia Book.  It's a BIG book and not an easy read.  I'm exploring it right now.  We'll see.  I'm really excited about it and it sure feels good.

Maybe I'll make it to a computer more often.  I journal almost daily at home....but I do miss blogging.  

My priorities consist of love, love, love and love.  Loving life, my family, friends, strangers, this earth we call home and everything on it.  Other than that....Truth, fogiveness, gratitude.....hmmmm. 

Thought for the evening.....
Our life is just a blink in the big scheme of things.  Why are we here?  To become educated, make money, buy the newest IPhone, stay in our crazy schedules and not take any of it with us after we blink?  And what then, do we leave behind?
What about breathing, taking care of our Home, loving, being together, nurturing eachother, staying non-judgemental.....staying out of Man's mind, staying away from Man's ideas, schedules, and ways of life that have truly brought devastation to all living things?  Why do we do what we do and STILL feel empty at the end of the day?

Time for change.

The Dream... The Change After 7 Years

I had a dream about cutting my hair. I know, sounds hippie. The next morning I shared my dream with the kids and Isaiah (8) started crying. They have only known me with dreadies... I had them for seven years. It was a big deal especially for Isaiah because he and Malik have them, too. I told him not to worry, that it was just a dream and I hadn't made any decisions.

A week after that, I was headed to Boulder after dropping the three older kids off at school and Malik (4) asked if we could go to Ned instead. So, I turned around and went up the hill to Nederland instead of down to Boulder.

The two babies and I were messing around, window shopping in Ned and came across a barber shop. We were just wasting time, waiting for the other three to get out of school. I peeked in the window of the shop and it was old school. It was very funky and cool. The boys and I started walking away and the barber stuck his head out of the door and asked if we wanted to come in and look around...so we did. The man had art work in the back of the shop that was just beautiful. He wasn't the artist, it was one of his friends. We just started chatting. I still wasn't thinking about getting my hair cut.

Then this big, shaggy mountain man came in and asked if Jaymei would clean him up and send him out into the real world... so I watched as he did. It was an amazing transformation! I suddenly felt like it was the right timing and the right man to cut my dreadies. I called Isaiah at school and told him where I was and who I had met. I asked him if he thought it would be okay if I cut my hair. He said, "Go for it, Mom!"



I LOVED the feeling of the brush against my scalp and getting my head massaged with shampoo...yes, fingers through my hair for the first time in seven years was more than nice! It was just incredible! My head felt so much lighter and maybe I was feeling a little rebellious and sassy after it was over. It was such an amazing, beautiful, lovely, freeing and just overall phenomenal experience to get my dreadies cut.

Police, Firemen, and Flashing Lights At My Apartment...

I was at work about a week before Thanksgiving, when I got a call from Tiana (12).  I had just clocked out for lunch.  She sounded a bit unsettled as she told me Malik was bleeding all over the place.  I was calm because Malik is all boy.  This would not be the last time Malik was bleeding or hurting.  Out of all of my children, Malik (4) is one who will push the limits and test his boundaries often.  ;) 

Tiana continued to tell me he was bleeding all over the bathroom.  He had a bloody nose from accidently head butting his two-year-old brother. 

I tried to comfort her and have do some deep breathing.  I advised her I would find someone to come check on them.  I found a friend that was willing to take my car and go check on the kids.  My home is about 25 minutes from my work.

I clocked back in from lunch and called Tiana to let her know I had found someone to come check on them.  She said not to worry because she went upstairs to get the neighbors (which I had advised them to do in an emergency) and they came down and decided to call the paramedics. 

Paramedics!  Now, I was the one doing the deep breathing.  I called my friend to bring my car back so I could go to my apartment to meet the paramedics and check on the kiddos. 

Tiana had told me on my ride out that Malik was fine, it was just a bloody nose and they got it to stop.

My friend drove as I sat in the passenger seat going over different scenarios.  What could I do?  My apartment had no furniture, we were sleeping on the floor.  We had clothes around the perimeters of the bedrooms because we had no dressers or hangers.  I did have food in the fridge and pantry and the kids were warm and clothed.  I was at work, while my five were home alone.  I wondered what type of trouble I would be in? 

As I sit in my car, heading to my apartment, I finally just gave it up to the Universe and higher powers.  I have been doing all I can do.  Everything has been a process and continues to be.  The daycare situation was my next focus.  I just haven't completed that process.... I am in the middle of it.

So, whatever was going to happen, I surrendered.  I can handle whatever is next.

I got to the apartment and ran up to have four firemen and one police officer greet me at the top of my stairs.  They were very kind and told me Malik was fine, there was no need to run.  I knew that but needed to touch base with my crew.  I politely asked if I could run into the apartment and check on my kiddos.  They allowed me to do that.

I went inside to touch base with each of them... hugs, smiles, love, sweetness and I felt a sense of calm in the aparment.  Not sure if being together caused that feeling or if it was present between my kiddos before I showed up.  Either way, it felt really good to be together. 

The firemen and police officer followed me into the apartment and requested that I step outside with them for a minute. 

Uh-oh... deep breath.  Okay, I am ready...

I went out front and the firemen went on about how amazing my kiddos were.  They were very impressed by their actions and how calm they were.  They went on to say they noticed we didn't have any furniture in the apartment.  I nodded.  I just haven't been able to get any furniture, don't have a truck to move it, nor would I have the man power to bring it up to my apartment.  I didn't tell them that, that is what I was thinking.  They said that one of the firemen had an extra queen bed, another had a dresser, another had a twin bed, and on and on.  They asked if I would allow them to bring furniture to my apartment.  !!?? 

What?  You want to furnish my apartment?  Wow!  It took me a minute, but I gratefully accepted and teared up.  I couldn't believe it... these sweet people were going to bring us beds!  They were supporting me and helping the family. 

The police officer was next and agreed that the children were just incredible.  He said it must be hard being a single mom of five.  He gave me some resources and said his department was right around the corner if we needed anything. 

After our run in with the Sheriff's office in Fairplay, this was SO incredible!  The kiddos now have a different perspective on law enforcement.  What a beautiful thing. 

The Saturday prior to Thanksgiving, eight firemen came to the apartment and loaded it with furniture... beds, recliners, an entertainment center, etc.  The next day, Mike, the fireman that started this came by with his wife.  They brought new dish towels, new washclothes, a new, beautiful vacuum, brand new bedding and pillows for each bed, $100 in cash and $100 in a King Soopers gift card. 

We are blessed.  I am so grateful.  I'm not sure "grateful" even begins to describe the appreciation I'm feeling.  Just having beds, towels, a vacuum, etc. helps our day-to-day family life.  Somehow life is easier.  It helps me be a better mom and helps the kids get through their days and nights.  We are all sleeping better in beds, enjoying the recliners, loving the kitchen towels and cleaning supplies.  The apartment just feels homey.

I have been praying for some type of help.  Just needed that boost... who knew it would come in this package.  The bloody nose that brought assistance... ;)

Goals... A Job, Check... An Apt., Check...

I have a full time job that I love, an apartment that I am grateful for, and such a beautiful crew. 

I always have an abundance of energy.  I can function, with clarity, on little sleep.  Although, my new schedule is testing me.  ;)  I work from 2-11pm about 5 days a week.  I get home at about 11:30 and end up cleaning the apartment and taking the dogs out.  I usually get to bed around 12:30 or 1 in the morning only to wake up at 6 and get the kiddos fed, dressed, and ready for school.  We pack lunches and try to clean up before we leave.  Their school is a good 45 min to an hour away from our apartment. 

I know I could take them to the nearest public school, but that doesn't feel good to me.  We have a community at their school in the mountains.  The kids have learned to knit, to garden , to play violin, and have freedom to make choices.  I am grateful they are, and have been, at this school we love and cherish. 

Right now I have to pick them up early so I can make it to work on time.  The older ones watch my younger ones while I am working.  Not ideal, but needed for now.  They are bummed about it and want me to get situated so they can stay all week, for full school days.  I am working on getting daycare set up... that is my next goal. 

Life is getting settled and I am grateful for the stability.... a little tired, but I got this.  I know we are a strong enough family unit to attain that next goal... and the next, and the next.  ;)