Here I am... a little over a year later! I am loving all of the changes and everything they have brought. Every time I feel some stress... I count my blessings! And, oh, do I have blessings! One is 4 months old, another 2 1/2, almost 6, 8, 10, 16, two beautiful dogs, a nice home, farm food, friends, my amazing dad, more family, strangers, and a job that I enjoy! There is more... sometimes a crying baby (glad he's alive and well), an unhappy 2 year-old throwing a tantrum (also glad he's here with me), a flat tire (at least I have a car), a mess in the kitchen (appreciate the food we get to eat), a spill on the floor (we have a floor!), never ending laundry (just means we have clothes for all of our bodies), etc. etc.! The list goes on!
I am creating my life. Divorced now... done going back and forth with him since the divorce. Our divorce was final in November of last year. We have dated a few times since then to no avail. It's been hard, because I remember him as my best friend. I remember tag teaming with the kiddos. I remember going for walks to the park as a family. That was then.
I am embracing now. Now is definitely different. We are different. He is not what I crave any longer. I want to move forward. I will have a nice home for us. I will enjoy my kids, have lotsa money, have nice things, help others, go on vacations with the kids and without them, I am going to take time for me, spas, massages, etc., etc. etc. We deserve to thrive.
since last year, i have given birth to a beautiful baby boy. his father is not my ex husband. his father is the only other man i have been with since the divorce. we were together a total of four or five weeks. he lives on the east coast and was here in colorado last summer. i was staying at my sister's house during the divorce and he was staying at my sister's house with her boyfriend for a visit at the same time. he had five kids and was going through a separation, as was i. this is what happened.... no excuses. no regrets.
the pregnancy was different than what i'm used to. this time i was pregnant by a man who wasn't going to be a part of the pregnancy or the baby's life. i also was still in love and missing my ex husband and confused by the divorce... so i dated my ex off and on throughout the pregnancy. he wasn't comfortable with the pregnancy, which made things different. he would still rub my belly... just differently. also during our "dating," little did i know he was pursuing other women. what a mess. glad it's over! more about that another time!
i only wish the best to him on his journey and i want the best on mine. the kids have adjusted through this and will continue adjusting as life goes on. this was the best choice for us. i want to show my kids that it's important to make decisions based on what you believe in... based on what is right for them, no matter what the outcome may look like. stay strong and do what you think is right, no matter what others think, no matter how hard it is.... you can do it. you can do whatever you put your mind and heart into.... even if you have six kids, even if you aren't sure what happens next or how you'll get your next meal. know that you aren't alone in this huge universe and things will work out. my horses fly. :) day by day... that's the way.
jenae
